Track 01 - who am i?

im 18
thats my story and im stickin with it

im 18 years young and i'm not allowed to leave the house
during summer vaycay
i will admit i didnt pull the best grades last semiester [3 A's and 1 C] but they [parents...or anyone in my house] don't know that

they don't know anything about me

they don't know that i'm INFURIATED about how karrin got a laptop for school and i didnt [not because im jealous, but because it was her grad gift and my mother ruined my graduation]
they don't know that i HATE my school and i now i can do better [because i did]
they don't know that all day they imply im stupid and i don't know anything [they also don't know that really hurts]
they don't realize how they won't let me drive now. at one point it was there fault, then mine, but now it's them again
they don't notice they need me. i am essential to this house. i keep it running at the end of the day
they don't see how i need space to live and learn, not stay here

i wanna liiiiiiive

i can't go out more than once a week, i'm not allowed to talk on the phone between 11pm and 8am, i cannot litterally stand right outside my house at 11pm and talk with my friends
-and that's also during summer vaycay

I'M SUPPOSE TO GET A JOB BUT IT CAN'T BE FURTHER THAN 10 MILES OF MY HOUSE W.T.F.

they want me to grow up within what they see fit

i know it's because i can't drive, or i didn't get and ELC number, or because i don't show emotion, or made mistakes in the past

i know my parents are dissapointed in me. they don't like me. and i know it.
i really honestly know it.

other times living on the street would be more enjoyable than here
but im to much of a bitch to do it

but one step at a time kristina. this life isn't one that should belong to me. i am a different person than who my parents think i am. or who they made compare me to

im kristina rene motha fuckin west
purple queen bee
the DeeVha
ex best friend of many many people
the ex Karen to my ex Jack
the ex Grace to my ex Will
future trophy wife
the next broadway star
future award winning OB/GYN
a bitch
a friend

me.

parents just don't understand

so today i wasn suppose to go to megan's house
there were som technical difficulties but that's ok we figured them out
me and karrin cleaned the ENTIRE house today as well [its really clean like no joke]
so then i just had to ask my Dad if i could go

Me: can i go to game night?
Dad: is it across the street?
M: no it's at megan's
D: werent you there already this week or last week?
M: maybe...
D: naw you cant go
M: bye.

i still didnt understand like i was and i still am HELLA PISSED so i decided to talk to my sister Kim

Me: daddy said i couldnt go to megan's house
Kim: why?
M: because i was there on Monday
K: oh that makes sense
M: how does that make sense
K: well as a parent you should understand that you dont need to be there all the time
M: well wtf am i doin here that's so important
K: nothing...
M: that's what i thought

so here's why i am mad
-i had no REAL reason for not being able to go it was just he didnt want me to go
-im not doing anything here. im on my fuckin summer vaycay and not doing anything because my parents wont let me [just me, not karrin]
-this has happened before like im only allowed to do one event every two weeks but that was when school was in session so that made lightweight more sense
-IM EIGHTEEN FUCKING YEARS OLD I CAN MAKE MY OWN DECISIONS
-i just have to go back to the fact that i did absolutely nothing like there's nothing to do i am so ANTIproductive it's not even funny
-im also mad because of people's bitchassness but thats another day another blog

so yea as i sit here in my house with nothing to do but stare at walls all day i cant help but notice that a whole month has gone by and i have nothing to so credit for it

O.M.G.F.M.L.

so amazing

it's so amazing how a song can make you feel
it can make you feel better about yourself like you are actually a part of it
like it was written just for you, like elton john sat down and said 'i feel the love tonight and i know jordan will too.' or when celine dion sang the words 'it's all coming back to me' she knew what was coming back from her past and she knew that feeling was universal. it was something complicated but made sense when put into song

i guess that's how i fell right now too
complicated.
right now i see life as not that important
i know life is too short to watse time, but what is our time? how do we know when we will die and leave this earth? or better yet die on the inside and left here to sit around and watch what else is going on

i've died on the inside
i've given up

on what exactly? i would have to say everything
i don't get excited like i used to. because if, and most likely when, something goes wrong, i won't feel let down.

i've officially taught myself not to feel

.....

kinda emo sounding right now really
but i don't know what the fuck else to do
when i try to see my future, i see a vast abyss staring at me cold.
there's nothing in the future waiting for me
just things in the past that i've missed
and now i'm in the future
just waiting

that's the way love goes

wrote this back in 9th grade
found it
like it
even tho it sucks =]

my dearest friend, how could you do something like that?
you stole his heart and never gave it back
every night you're on his mind and he can't sleep
while you're thinking of someone else resting with peace
he wonders why you never felt the same way he felt for you
you got his mind runnin all day long
singin the same love song
knowing something's wrong
because the greatest thing he ever had is now gone
i guess you could be right
he just wasn't the one for your life
but why don't you tell him how you feel
to him he thought it was something real
but you know what?
it wasn't meant to be
there was nothing in between
no sweet love scene
no flirtatious laughter
no happily ever after
for you it is truly the end
and you two barely remain friends
for in this matter in really does show
that that's the way love goes

say what you mean to say

so today my mom came home bitchin as usual and she went up to karrin's room to tell her to wake up
karrin was like i have a headache [she really didnt she just wanted to nap]
so then my mom comes back yellin 'i have a headache too with all the bullshit i have to deal with]

hold up wait a minute

care to elaborate on that mother
what bullshit
the fact that you leave everyday at 7am, dont even bother to tell anyone where you are at, and then come back when you feel like it?
or it could be that you contribute NOTHING to this household. not even fucking dish soap
or maybe since you DON'T HAVE A JOB and you're on 'disability'
oh no wait it must be you are going on TWO vacations this summer and didnt even bother to tell your family until the arrangements were made
oh you know what its gotta be the your 'secret' affair-yup that's it

so yea mom your life is just so gosh darn difficult