thick and shit

How do I see myself?

I like my smile my teeth could be whiter but it’s better than most

I like my eyes and I even like the color

I like my boobs but they look better then they are up (whatever that’s suppose to mean)

I like my nose too, it think it’s adorkable

I like the way I look, when I actually put work into my look. But even when I roll out of bed I still think I look pretty good. I mean I know I’m not the prettiest, lots of girls are prettier than me, but I’m like to mention I’m prettier than lots of girls too. But there’s the whole issue of me being fat

I don’t even like to say really. Fat. It kinda has a bad connotation to it too. And I don’t really feel that way. I’m not thinking all day “omg I’m so fat”. Black women, if you haven’t noticed this before you will from now on, don’t think like that. It’s pretty much a white girl thing cuz Mexicans aren’t down with that shit either. They don’t think that being larger is a bad thing and that’s where all this “thick” shit came from. “I’m not big I’m think” wtf is that? I HATE that cuz I just don’t get it. I guess it takes pride in being bigger so technically I should be for it. But when I hear people say that, something their ass is big. So now we have all these chicks covering up their insecurities with a term so that they themselves can develop more self-confidence. MAYBE IF THE WORLD WASN’T TELLING THEM THAT BEING FAT IS BAD THEY WOULDN’T HAVE TO DO THAT. I was in my psych class and we learned that there are “fat stereotype” basically them being lazy, poor social skills, dumb, shit like that. And I’m none of those things so wtf. It’s also the dudes putting all these females on such high expectations. It really does grind my gears too when guys can’t get fat. But not only are more men fucking obese, they can lose it faster and easier so what the fuck is your excuse biatch??

But then there are those dudes that are turned on by thick chicks. THAT pisses me off. If you are turned on by unique aspects [of a body], that’s a fucking fetish. I am not a fetish. I don’t like it when people are like “damn mami you so thick just how I like my women” okay I don’t see how that’s attractive. I just don’t. maybe I’m just not comfortable with my body enough to understand how that works but damn it’s just not right by me at all. Maybe it has to deal with what happened to me…I can see that happening too. But in the end I hate it. Thick shit and all, not my style

maybe I should be happy that not ALL guys want be with a skinny ass chick but I never want to be judge on the way I look. But that’s hard for me to say because I’m a big believer that the way you look is very important. So imma say it like this: I do not believe that a person’s personality should be determined by the way they look, HOWEVER people need to at least look pretty fucking decent all the time. I think what I want to say is I don’t want a guy to not like me because I’m fat and I don’t want a guy to like me because I am “thick”. Like me for me I guess, makes sense to me.

But sometimes I wonder id I ever want to lose weight. I have a rule about self-image: you gotta love who you are, and if you don’t change it. But it has to be for YOU not for someone else. If you keep your self busy with maintaining other people’s standards you are wasting your time. I have not felt the COMPLETE desire to lose weight, sometime it think about it, but most of the time I’m cool. Yea it would be nice, but more importantly I don’t wanna do all that fucking work. I know I want it, but I ain’t willing to do it yet. Maybe in the future I will, but I also have to keep in mind that it will be all for me, cuz I tend to alter myself just to satisfy other people, which hasn’t worked out for me at all.

So yea um other than that, I’m still pretty as fuck, ciao per hora! 

updates

i still do not like certain people. but now it's just funny because it's definitely not my fault. i'm awesome and if karma doesn't get them, best believe i will ;]

i saw the scariest person alive, and i lived. it was a horrible experience at an unfortunate time. but i'm still alive

i saw the 2nd scariest person alive, and ugh fuck me right? can't one day be decent?

my method of dealing with problems most of the time is just to ignore them until they dissipate on there own. but lately i see that that isn't working. mainly because most of the time i spend is inside of my own mind and i can't handle it. all these thoughts

• what if
• shoulda/coulda
• why didn't i
• maybe if

really i'm sick of it. and that boy, just one f u c k i n g boy who drives me insane has been on my mind forever.

my well-being has literally been in danger but all i have ever worried about is him.

so i confronted him. basically everything i wanted to say, i said it. he gave a shit load of excuses and i still couldn't believe him.

which should have been my first sign

then he crept his little punk ass self BACK into my life [not saying anything was necessarily better but it's a tad worst with him] and long story short i believed him.

i am a liar. proud-sort of, but the point is i can tell when people are lying to me. he looked me dead in the eyes and "promised" that he wasn't the same guy as before. and i wanted to believe that. the kidd was almost genuine, almost real, almost believable. but never 100% on anything

but i think the fact that i was willing to try says A LOT

so i did. i did the dumbest thing i have done recently, reopened myself up to the person that hurt me so bad and that i despised most. and ya know what? he did it again.

vanished like a star at dawn.

and i was hurt. mainly because how could someone that you practically bare your soul to constantly put you thru torture and then sit back and watch his work destroy someone?

i didn't understand then, and i still don't. but even though i went thru all of that i wasn't even being true to myself, i just wanted the one thing on my mind to go away and if that meant actually being let go for a "real reason" and then being hurt, i coulda done that. instead of being lead on, lied to, and abused.

the entire time i remember thinking 'this happiest is only temporary, he's not gonna stick around. i don't even want to be here. he doesn't even feel anything with me. he's just using me'

like i said, dumbfuckingshit.

my thing was if he would just be HONEST maybe we wouldn't waste each other's time.

but that's done, am i over it? not quite but i have learned somethings from it

• it's going to be HARD for me to ever trust anyone again
• i was HELLUH out of that bitch's league and he was not on my level: the top
• there's no guarantee that there's a special someone out there for me, but i will never settle for just any ol douchebag
• i. am. so. fuck. ing. pretty. IT'S REDONKULOUS
• that kidd is a fucking douchebag, and he might wanna watch his back. #justsaying
  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
• i'm def. not happy with how i had to learn my lesson and not sure if i needed to learn it because i def. did not deserve to go thru that shit.
• i'm not sure if i'm not gonna miss him.

all i can say is i'm still mad, and i'm still hurt. but i'm gonna get over this. somehow.

sometimes i feel bad

because i want to kill people. i really fucking do. maybe they don't have to die by my hands, but i do want them dead. maybe this is some spur of the moment kind of thing, but it seems like i'm digressing in maintaining my anger. then again, i know i have been getting better because i ain't knocked no one's ass out yet.

school has started and i have seen all my problems delivered to me on a silver platter. i see WHO all my mistakes are. i've realized that the people who i've chose to spend my life with are awful, cruel, inconsiderate, selfish assholes.
now i'm angry because i'm sad and i have no one to turn to. THAT is how i feel like i have digressed

i felt like Mikey and Alex needed to know some information about because i thought they were my friends. but friends don't let friends go crazy, and they are pushing me towards that way everyfuckingday.
they aren't my friends-they are my biggest mistakes.

i can't control the actions of him but i didn't think out telling those to dipshits. ugh, it really does kill me that they know and they don't even bother to help.
once again biggest mistakes

i don't know how i'm going to prosper from all of this chaos right now.
but i do know that i need to keep my anger down along with my fist. so far i've been doing an excellent job.
school is def gonna keep me busy, i know that for sure.
going to court? i don't know if i can do it...
alex and mikey -> fuck you.

megan and jonathan ->love you

"kristina you are undoubtable, anything you set your mind to you can do it"

i [always] feel like

i have befriended the dumbest people in the world

all i ever hear is 'i am here for you not matter what, i love you so much i'd hate to see you in pain, blah blah blah'

whenever i call upon someone for help, no one is ever there. but these are my 'friends'

friends.my.ass.

i am a fucking echo: someone they talk to just so they can hear me repeat the shit they wanna hear but they don't have the balls to face the truth

i dunno what's worst being around people who don't listen or around no one at all

as far as i am concern the latter is what i've become the most accustomed to.
no bitchassness
no whack ass drama
no conceitedness

just me trying to figure me out
cuz i'm all i got.

When you can imagine your worst nightmare coming true
You gotta problem

restart

i had a nightmare
like real nightmare. and it was scary as fuuuuck.

i was scared in my dream, and even more on edge when i woke up
so it feels like i'm back to the beginning. like all the progress [which fades in and out] has been depleted

so i don't know how to feel. i don't know what would be proper

but i do feel

• angry
• pissed
• depressed
• useless
• drained
• pathetic
• crappy
• back to the beginning

so, even tho my dream wasn't real, it feel so much like it, cuz i'm back to where i started from

[yeah im on repeat but hey i'm depressed]

just like that

we're done

it was getting awkward for a while now, but now we are officially done. it sucks too because i never wanted it to end this way but i couldn't handle the emotions and struggles that friendship was making me deal with.

maybe it's better this way, maybe now i have a better chance of never having to deal with him again. and now i won't have to explain myself, and she won't have to know.

maybe this is what has to happen.

I'm gonna miss her though. i really am.

i can see clearly now

I’m looking for an answer. Because I need one.

there are no problems that don’t have a cause, or a root. But finding that root can be as hard as solving the solving the problem. Funny thing is you need to know the root to solve it.

My problem? Well I have a lot, but one that’s a tad more specific is I am constantly thinking of someone who did me wrong. I want to stop, but I can’t stop myself. The faster I figure out exactly what it is that I miss about him, the faster I can move on.

I am a survivor of a traumatic event that no one in their lives should have to endure. To be honest, I wasn’t the best before all of this happened either. After my little encounter, life just got immensely worse. The details are in previous entries if you have the intelligence to decode. But I can say that in the beginning it was hard to find myself valuable. I didn’t see me having a future or deserving one. I got involved in some “risky” behavior only because I didn’t care about my life. So I literally would just do anything.

Then this guy comes along and says every perfect thing imaginable. Of course I fell for it, but what I did with him I would have never done prior. I had no idea what I was getting into but I was so fucking damaged, that it didn’t matter. I had become numb.

But this guy just haaaaaad to be different. He had put up with all the bullshit (I would constantly told him to just forget about me and put up walls like no other), he would talk to me just to talk (nothing to nasty), and basically he just got me. When you are down and someone like that comes around, and you finally realized that there is some good in people, it can be an amazing thing.

Also I was never pressured into doing anything I didn’t want to do. Sometime it seemed like he wanted more of me, and that he was using me too. I haven’t quite figured that out. But never was there a situation where I felt obligated to do anything and most of the time the focus was on me. Eventually he had noticed that there was something not quite ‘normal’ about me, but he said that he was still willing to try. I had choices, and he listened to them. I felt really special with him…

Then when it seemed everything was getting better, he left and it made me feel like crap. Like I had done something wrong, like I had some sort of social disease that I wasn’t going to be able to overcome. Honestly I never really gotten over it until I had to reopen the door that he was so quick to shut.
His ‘excuse’ for leaving never struck me as truth, but I had told him my reasons for being so guarded, he claims he understood and promised that he wouldn’t be ‘that guy’.
We were supposed to stay lightweight committed, just talk to each other, but we weren’t exclusive. But, I fell for his games again and he left again. But this time I was just mad how one could witness someone at their lowest and take advantage of that. That sickened me.

Now after a LOT of self-work, I’m better than before and realize that that is not the dude for me. He’s too much of a player.
Even so I haven’t really quite gotten over him yet. I find myself in fantasies and daydreams that often involve him. Then I have to ask myself why, because there are no feelings of attraction anymore. Those are done.

So my question/problem is why is it that I am still not over him?

There are several reasons that I have come up with and they are all decent to an extent.

First is vulnerability. I was a wreck and he was my Romeo. Simple as that. He made me see value in myself again; something I had forgotten. I had grown kinda dependent on the kid for self-worth.
Second is evolutionary. We’re talking Oxytocin people, the bonding hormone. Females are cursed with extreme amounts of it so that when we have that skin to skin, our bonding experiences are immediate. I remember telling him “I feel safe in your arms”. I was on such high alert in all my other surroundings so when I was with him I knew everything was going to be ok. No pain. Physical at least. I miss that feeling too.
Third is reciprocity of likingness. Humans like to be liked, and I liked feeling important to someone. I like thinking that someone out there likes being with me just because I’m me. For me that was awesome.

So add all these up and basically I liked how I felt when I was with him. Everything he did made me feel better. I liked who he had made me become. Sort of. He was essentially everything I asked for [see Answer & Paradox].

But then we learn that there are ways to better ourselves without people or things. Because everything is temporary and we shouldn’t attach ourselves to things that won’t always be here. So now I see that homie just made me feel appreciated. I was starting to realize this but now it’s official. I was also beginning to think that maybe it could just replace homie with a new (better) dude. But I might end up in the same position.

So my new problem is how do I recreate those positive feelings for myself?

Honestly I think that’s it. This has nothing to do with him anymore; I’m getting back to me. He is no longer a crucial factor but more of a figure to shape my goal out of. Meaning he set the example, I know what I want I just gotta get it. But I am no longer confused about him. It all makes sense now.

So even though I have come up with this explanation, I still refer back to my “healthy relationship” worksheet and notice that he was actually someone that I am looking for. He only had one deal breaker out of my 8(?) . But a deal breaker is a deal breaker.
But when I think about that, it just leads back to me making a goal that can only be accomplished through another person. So my worksheet it amazing, but I gotta find me and just be me for a while.

another challenge accomplished.

it's a little bit funny

that i still think about that boy.

i know that i am 100% over him, if he were try to approach me, i know i would shut him down. i don't like him. i don't think that i would be ok with calling him my boyfriend

HOWEVER

i still think about him every fucking day. so like wtf is that about?

i want him to call and text me
i want him to try and get me back
i want him to want me

i want him to think about me as much as i think about him

but whyyyyy

he's a fucking douche bag!! like i don't like him!! so why am i still on this bitch's dick?
why do i look to see if he's online, why do i see his picture and get excited, why do i want someone that i don't want.

i diss and dissmissed someone i didn't want in less than a day, so why can't i do the same for him?

i know the situation was different then, i know that there was a 'possibility' or whatever
but that doesn't fucking explain shit.

i do not like him, but he has been the one thing i want that i know i don't need.
i made it this far, i can't let anyone put me back down

Darkness Wrote: Well I know how you like you ethnic ppl and how much you want your babies to be having that gud harrrrr LMAO

Kyle Wrote: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mKUkUwS3XUg&feature=youtube_gdata_player

a boy worth fighting for

this is just going to be a completely selfish entry.

this is the entry where i describe the perfect guy for me

and honestly it's going to be pretty ridiculous =]

i came across an 'like page' on FB that was somthing like, 45 things a girls wants her bf to do but will never say, i really liked it so i thought i comment on e.v.e.r.y.s.i.n.g.l.e.o.n.e.

or just the ones i like

1 . Touch her waist.

i can't handle this sensation anymore =[
2. Actually talk to her.

wow like yea, i like people talking it's good shit
4. Give her your jacket.

be cordial bitch, that is so sweet!
5. Kiss her slowly.

...and never stop haha
6. Hug her.

=]
7. Hold her.

=]]
11. Smile with her.

like Michael Ealy and Beyonce in Halo!!!
12. Take pictures with her.

but they need to smile with NICE teeth
13. Pull her onto your lap.

uh no, i'm not two
14. When she says she loves you more, deny it. Fight back.

wtf no
16. Play with her hair .only if she hasnt spent 382745623 hours on it .

don't [ever] touch my hair.
17. Kiss her unexpectedly.

cute shit
18. Hug her from behind around the waist.

oooh uh uh i would freak the freak out
19. Tell her shes beautiful.

i have a secret. i think that if i don't remind myself that i look beautiful, then no one will. so it would be nice to hear someone else say it and MEAN it
20. Tell her the way you feel about her.
don't lie to me
21. Open doors for her, walk her to her car- it makes her feel protected, plus it never hurts to act like a gentleman.

#true
22. Tell her shes your everything – only if you mean it.

who would lie about something so serious. but if someone told me i was their EVERYTHING, i'd be like whoa calm down there
23. If it seems like there is something wrong, ask her- if she denies something being wrong, it means SHE DOESNT WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT- so just hug her

uh no bitch better ask me what's up
24. Make her feel loved.

seriously.
25-kiss her in front of OTHER girls you know!!!!
girls love making other bitches j.e.a.l.o.u.s.
26-dont lie to HER.

EVER
27-DONT cheat on her.

only if you want to get cut
29-txt messege or call her in the morning and tell her have a good day at work {or school}, and how much you MISS her.

that can get kinda stalkerish real fast
30-be there for her when ever she needs you, & even when she doesnt need you, just be there so shell know that she can ALWAYS count on you.

make sure i remember i'm not alone
36. When people DISS her, stand up for her.

shit's hott
37. Look deep into her EYES and tell her you love her.

i have a thing with the word love. don't think i'm ready to use it
39. When walking next to each other grab her HAND.

not in the summer, hands get sweaty FAST
40. When you hug her HOLD her in your arms as long as possible

not too long, don't wanna be smothered
41. Call or text her at night to wish her SWEET DREAMS

gets generic fast

42. COMFORT her when she cries and wipe away her tears.

yeaaaaa idk about this one

44. ALWAYS Remind her how much you love her.

45. sit on top of her and tell her how much u love her and then bend down to
her face and kiss her while sitting on her.

wtf get off of me

so yea the entire list is here: http://msdeevha.tumblr.com/post/3827242585/wow-wouldnt-this-guy-be-perfect

the ones i left out were just weird and/or i didn't like them

truthishly, i just want a guy that will dedicate Michael Jackson songs to me and sing Disney love song to/with me.

never let me put myself down

and keep a smile on my face forever

and in this world of SHITTY ASS MEN, a fantasy like that is something i never want to compromise for

something i am willing to wait for

a boy worth fighting for =)

will it ever happen? i dunno...but i don't plan on changing me, just so someone else is happy.

hippos gettin it on

Gloria: i have so many questions
MotoMoto: well i promise the answer will always be 'yes' unless 'no' is required ;)

Samara and I

krisekris: i just need you to acknowledge i am here

themadisonprjct: why?

krisekris: to feel alive

themadisonprjct: well, i know ur alive

Samara from The Ring. Yes the creepy bitch. We have something in common. We both want to been seen. Want to be heard. The desires to be notice. She killed people thru television which is so wrong. I don’t murder people, I kill myself.

A bad habit of mine is to seek attention in who ever. As long as someone is saying something positive about me, I will stick with them no matter what.

I have a myyearbook because they are a bunch of strangers who on a daily basis call me beautiful. I don’t take it too seriously because I know they also want me to send pictures of my exposed body. I don’t, I just drain them of compliments until someone else comes along.
this is a mild form of my addiction. Yes addiction because I honestly can’t stop. To have the feeling of being wanted is so gratifying that I don’t wanna stop it any time soon. Those boys, make me smile sometimes.

But then there’s the guys I actually know: ml mi mw ab and more they were so mean. Literally using my body for temporary entertainment, saying nice things that I took seriously, then hurting me when they were done. I was there "go to ho".
But I stayed because they listened to me. they would respond to me. they made me feel wanted. They wanted me…just not the way I wanted them too. And its awful, I’ve made it a habit to associate myself with people who don’t like me, but express their dick devotions to get me to do want they want. And I willingly go, because they make me feel kinda special.

But that’s gotta stop. Like now. It’s over. If someone can’t respect me, then they don’t deserve me at all. I wanna say that I’m officially done, but I know I’ll slip in the future, it’s kinda my thang. But I’m super gonna try! Promise.

not cool booboo

'i like you, but only if you put out.'

whaaaaaaaaaa

i wanna say that EVERY single guy that has showed some interest in me had only done so just so that they can sleep with me. maybe a couple were real but idk

is it something I'm doing? like the way I dress? my words? how I talk? are there rumors running behind my back? what is it what is signaling dudes to thinking that i'm SUPER OK with a one night stand

because i'm not. excuse me for developing genuine feelings for someone over time. actually wanting to spend time with them, wanting to talking on the phone with them, wanting to walk around the park for no fucking reason with them. sorry for having such 'high expectations'

and honestly it's starting to make me feel like crap, like a whore. maybe at first it was somewhat flattering. appearing sexual is kinda like a compliment but after a while it's insulting really. like I have no self respect for myself that i'm just willing to let you have fun with my body just so that your satisfied? really? so mean

the whole myyearbook scene, that's different that expected. those are ppl in states I will never be able to go to. but with real people i've met in my life that seem normal in the day then turn sex beast at night, that makes me mad. b/c to everyone else your still normal you, but nowIiIiIiI know this secret about you that no one would ever believe because 'you're just too fucking nice' well grr on that. not only is my impression of changed forever, so is our relationship. I will NEVER look at you the same way. damaged.

so yeah now that i've learned you can't trust anybody anywhere, where am I suppose to go to find someone who's willing to accept me as I am not not try to alter that in any way?

I want to believe that sex shouldn't just be thrown around like we do today. when you have relations with someone, you are giving a part of yourself to them. a personal, sacred part. people shouldn't lose count of their sexual partners, no one should be whoring themselves out just for fun.

however, I still think that when I hand in my v-card my views will be forever changed. which is a big reason why I don't even want sex. I know me and I know that when I find something that I like, I become addicted to it. I don't wanna star in True Life: I'm Addicted to Sex II.

I remember in my previous workshop they asked have your dating expectations changed since you were 13 y/o and I was like YES THE FUCK THEY HAVE. I still want my ideal relationship, but the current day and age we live in, i'm starting to see that that might NEVER happen. like I said, you gotta put the pussy first if you want a man to come. wtf man. not even fair...why don't I get a chance to be happy with my decisions?

not saying I wouldn't do favors, I like to have some fun, but when I think of those who don't even do that shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit they have it worst than me.

in the end I never even had the option of relinquishing myself to anyone, they tok it away. robbed of innocent so that they could have a good time [geez sound familiar?] so once again i'm scared to have that experience ever again. in the back of my mind I know that I will suffer from PTSD flashbacks and not even enjoy it.

And that is what pisses me off the fucking most about people who just wanna fuck me and have it mean absolutely nothing more:

they have NO FUCKING IDEA what I have been thru, so every time you say some shit like "i wanna fuck that pussy" that incites a fear that I try to conceal everyday but to you, you just need to bust a load so you can get on with your day. yeah i'm real fucking mad. I am angry because to my peers, i'm not someone who has a heart or desires, i'm a fucking trophy. something to hit and quit, toot it and boot it, whatevs. in the mental/emotional condition that I am in, I cannot do that. compromise is essential in relationships, but i'm not backing down on this at all for anyone.

It looks like my options are either be alone or be a ho.

i don't even know

s.j.h.s.

wow

he came to my house yesterday

and it was awkward, like a lot of memories came back

at first it was hilarious because that was always something that i wanted, him to be at my doorstep, and then it happened.

it was funny because i was so into him and then i finally got over him . i guess it made me realize that i can get over anyone but not everything.

but then i had a dream

we were on our way to somewhere and we were in his truck

and we weren't talking so i asked if he wanted to say anything. then he asked if i had anything to say and i was like 'not really do you?' and he said 'i have a million things to say' and i asked him 'like what'

and he asked 'why did you say goodbye?'

and that was it. a memories i had forgotten. apparently i was so madly in like with this boy, i just had to give him a note saying i couldn't talk to him anymore....wtf what that bullshit

but it was SO WEIRD because i completely forgot about that, but seeing him brought back a lot of memories. i remembered his middle name! omg but yeah just weird really

and now i'm like 'what did seeing me do for him?'

but i shouldn't care cuz it was just a random event

butireallywannaknow

who's to blame

there are no victims, only volunteers

fuck that bullshit, there's PLENTY of victims

i am one.

i have been a victim of other people's actions and my own mind for two months now.

and i don't even know who's fault it is anymore.

there's no root i can find to solve this problem, but i can find a million ways to make it worse.

so what am i doing anymore? like, do i even have a plan? do i believe it could work out in the end?

do i even remember what it feels like to not be

in pain

worried

stressed

mad

angry

sad

depressed

bitter

bitchy

listless

dead

?

what's next?

anniversary

of the end

of lost control

of anxiety

of terror

of pain

of guilt

of being fucked up forever

happy anniversary.

can't

what do you do when you can't do anything else

when shit just WON'T get better

when everything you've tried fails

when everyone you know let's you down

what the fuck do you do?

i don't know.

i thought i had found my way back to my life, but really, it was just a good time

but now that i finally realize that this darkness is my life

i just can't fucking do this anymore.

i can't and i've tried so, so hard

and all i want to do is live

but all i ever feel like doing is dying

i'm done, can't do this shit anymore!!!!!

i had 99 problems...

February 2011

Probably the most life changing month of my life [excluding the month I spent developing into a person]. A LOT had happened this month; some good, mostly bad. Either way, I’m grateful that it happened. Why? Because if it didn’t, I probably wouldn’t be here typing this right now.

There are five major characters in my life who have contributed to this month being what it is. Being that this is a really important message, I will actually use names: Jon, Megan, Mikey, Andre, and Brandon. I’m not saying that all of these people have been a positive influence, but they definitely have made me the different person that I am today

Jon and Andre:
Jon was the first person I told. Instead of embracing it like I wanted him to, he kinda shrugged it off with a “That’s a lot”. At that time I was still in the “it was my fault too” stage. We never really talked about it and I actually hadn’t accepted it.
Andre found out, but that was completely my fault. But Andre acted like I just told him my pet goldfish died [God please do no harm to Vodka] and we NEVER even mentioned it again.
To both of these guys, I am very angry. I desperately needed someone to talk to and they are my closest friends. They weren't there. I felt alone and scared.

Just because they didn't talk about it, doesn’t mean it didn’t happen.

Andre has been focusing his attention on someone specific and really, he’s gonna lose his friends slowly unless he knows how to juggle his free time. Jon kept getting mad at me because I was unable to trust anyone and I kept taking my anger out on him when it should have been directed towards someone else. It really wasn’t a good situation.
But to both of them, they were of no help at all. Now that I’m thinking of it, they’ve made this experience worst. I wish they never would have found out, who knows, maybe I would have been better. I understand my predicament was a lot to handle, but it’s certainly not something to not let me express freely.
I’ve noticed that when something bad happens to me, I just shrug it off and act like it never happened. THIS HAPPENED, this was real, this was something that couldn’t be ignored, and this had to get handled. That fucking “Jar of Hearts” song was no help either. It was like a soundtrack to my dying soul. When she said “I’ve learn to live half alive” I knew this song was about something more than a simple heartbreak. I was living like that for the longest; exuberant as ever at school and with my friends, but emotionally dying, mentally fucked up, and crying myself to sleep every night. I needed help, and I wasn’t getting any from my ‘friends’.

Megan and Mikey:
Megan, being the bitch that she is, NEVER sugar-coated anything. The moment I told her what happened, she laid it out and defined the four-letter word that I had been avoiding for so long. She told me what I needed to do and offered anything else I would need from her, and she was in Mississippi at the time. It wasn’t till she came back home shit actually got real. She is a main contributor to my success today. I can’t thank her enough in words really. She is the reason I am alive.
Mikey, in a way I’m glad he found out last, but I also wish he knew first. Everyone who already knew wasn’t helping me out so I didn’t see the point in telling anyone else. When he found out, he automatically understood the severity of the problem. No bullshit, he knew that I needed help. I remember him saying “I can’t imagine what you’ve been through physically, mentally, and emotionally”. At that time I knew no one who hasn’t been in my shoes would know where I was coming from. It is traumatizing experience that no one could possibly ever imagine. That was when I realized that if I wanted help, I was going to have to make the biggest move: accept what happen. Stop denying the situation, stop blaming myself, stop the bullshitting. It was real and it really happened. But I don’t have to live in that memory forever; I still had a live to live. Mikey got me to see the light that I had put out from the beginning.

Brandon:
Brandon taught me to trust again. I hated everyone I knew. I was angry that no one could understand what I was going through, the people who saw me at my lowest (Andre really) and still couldn’t and didn’t help me. I did not want to be alive. But Brandon said some nice things that got me to smile again.

“When I see you smile, it makes me happy”

“I wish you get these bangs out your face so I could see your cute face”

“I like to see you happy”

“There’s just something about you…”

“We don’t have to do anything if you don’t want to”

He was kind caring and understanding. But most importantly, he didn’t hurt me; physically or emotionally. In his arms I felt safe. With him, I was the happiest I had been in a long time. With him, I was…happy something I had forgotten how to be. To know that that feeling is obtainable has given me so much hope.
However, for some reason he no longer talks to me. Was he looking for a sex time, and quit when he figured it wasn’t going to be me? I want to say yes, but the conversation we had prior to our second evening together wouldn’t have made any sense. Was he just playing me, using me to get his ego up, using me to get back at an ex? Possibly. Did I scare him away with my crazy baggage? Most likely. I don’t blame him. I put that boy through a lot of shit he did not deserve. Either way I’m glad that he came into my life when he did because it got me to see that not every body is evil, there are some guys out there who will like me for me. I just wish they would roll around more often.

So there it is February in a nutshell. I am so happy that I made it this far. To know what I know and to have experience it all was something I didn’t want to do but now that I see how all the events link together, I understand that it had to happen.
I see things differently now and I understand how I work.
Maybe it was fate this happened in the beginning of the year. I know the rest of this year will be extremely better.
Thanks to everyone, I feel alive again.
Happy face.

ciao per ora

ffuucckk....

Sorry but I just have to address this issue once more
I’ve never seen an epidemic at this level before.
Oh what will I be discussing today?
It’s all about that SEX baby!
But not my experience, on no, my life and how sex is semi-holding be back.

In this excerpt, I will first talk about pre-incident and post-incident views
Hopefully it will make sense

Ok so I’m a virgin. By choice. Mine.
And I’m ok with that, I’ve don’t almost everything else there is to do, except insert someone’s P in my V.
Why? Well I had two reasons why: no sex before marriage and the ‘right guy’
I honestly was waiting for marriage. For some reason that just seemed right, yes that would be the Christian me talking. So I was content with that idea. However, if I were to be a relationship with someone that I felt comfortable with and trusted, I would be willing to put my virtue on the line.
With that being said, I went to my friends for advice.
I have never been shot down so quickly.
My whole ‘abstinence’ thing was merely a joke to them, considered foolish even. Made me feel somewhat lame. But the ‘right guy’ theory wasn’t any better. They believe that it isn’t possible to wait that long and if you wait for the right person, you’ll be waiting forever.
AT THIS MOMENT, I FEEL IT IS VITAL TO MENTION THAT THE VAST MAJORITY OF MY FRIENDS ARE GAY DUDES
So they don’t have the marriage option, and face it, gays are kinda whore-y.
But to say there is no right guy is just rude. I just don’t wanna fuck some random guy I barely know just so I can say I did it. Nu-uh I actually wanna like that person and have a bond of some sort between us.

I n c i d e n t .

so after my little “encounter”, my thoughts on sex completely changed. Now I feel that sex is just a painful ritual that I have no control over. And I never wanted to experience it. But for some reason, people are so hype over the idea. It seems impossible to date anyone anymore without putting out on the first date (assuming you made it that far). I always feel pressured into situations that I don’t want to be in or a part of. I want someone to like me. I want a relationship. I don’t want a fuck buddy. Not my style boo boo. Keep it mind that I am still waiting for my Prince of Passion.
Much after much mental reconstructed, I changed my views ever so slightly
I no longer am waiting for the right person, buy rather the right moment I figure that if I am with the right guy, then the moment will feel right. If I can manage to trust myself to trust him, then I know that I am doing what’s best for me. I like this idea a lot because I know I am still gonna want to actually fall in like with someone first. The time will come, but I’m really in no rush.
I’m also just not going to talk to anyone who has pussy on their mind all-the-time. I don’t want to feel used, played, or like a tool. I am a woman, a living human being, and you’re going to respect that.


In all seriousness, people are just putting the pussy on the pedestal. I’ve heard that I’m making a big deal out of it by waiting for so long, but really I’m not. If you are constantly searching for someone to bang, you have an addiction my friend. Your dick/pussy is controlling you, you aren’t controlling it. I was able to wait this long, you gave in.
I’m not saying that everyone who has turned in their v-card is a whore; I just wish people wouldn’t view me as the freak for still holding on to mine with caution.
I have damn good reasons to do so now, and really I am at a huge disadvantage.
But I’m not in a rush at all. I still have a lot of repairs to do, and sex is going to fix any of it any faster.

Ciao per ora

self.

who i am.
ask anyone i know, they'll say Kristina
ask me, i'll say dead.

i know i have been down before, but i have taken it to a new level.
there is nothing i really believe in anymore and no one i trust.
nothing brings me happiness, everything is sorrow in my eyes.
and i'm suppose to be able to do something about this??
fuck that.
one way in one way out.
that's my solution
#done

time.

being in the right at the place wrong time.

this guy met me, cuz i sure as hell wasn't looking.
and he says nice things about me.
bad/sad thing about that is i do not believe him
i've actually turned into this bitch demon diva because i have already made it up in my mind that he is going to hurt me and i rather hurt him before he gets the chance to hurt me.
but somewhere inside of me, something is telling me to trust and believe him
and i WANT to so bad
but i still can't. but i've gotten better...a lot better.
really it hurts me to know someone actually might care about me, and i can't return those feelings.

it's everything i wanted at a time i can't have it.

and i don't even know if these feeling are real. do i like him because he's cool or do i like him because he likes me...HOW COCKY IS THAT???
BUT at the end of the day, i got wayyyy to much baggage to board any emotional plane and i rather lose him now than when it will hurt too much.

hahaha now i wanna be happy and believe in people again. too much?

anything new with you?

uh yeah, i'm officially crazy i didn't think it would be this bad tho i'm not gonna lie. but whatever life right?
there's honestly nothing i can do at this point.
live or die trying.
ok so two options.
still i'm fucked.

how do i live

If you wanna have sex, do you boo. But that’s just not my thing.

I fucking hate talking to people. Every guy I have encounter just wants to ffuucckk. That’s fine, but that’s not me. So sorry to bust your balls, but I’m not ready/going to go down on you.
I seriously rather have someone just come out and say “I wanna beat that pussy, real talk” than fucking lie to me.
Don’t get my hopes up if you’re just gonna crush them.

I don’t know if this has any relation with the “Incident” but I honestly can’t imagine having sex with anyone ever. I used to think no one would want to, but now I can’t think of anything but pain and torture when thinking of the process.

I just want a boyfriend, or something like that.

But now I am FUCKING MESSED UP. Everyday, I think of the pain I went through, can’t function, can’t trust anyone, and hate everyone. Oh my gambit I can’t function it’s ridiculous. I don’t like people grabbing me, I freak out. I don’t like whispering, I hate being alone, I hate being awake, I hate being alive. Sometimes.

I can’t trust anyone. Can’t talk to people. I want but more importantly NEED help but I don’t know how to ask for it. Can’t try and date people because I’m scared now. I’m terrified. I’m angry. I’m upset. I’m depressed.
But I can’t let anyone know.

I want to be ok…I was already fucking shitty as hell before the “Incident” but now I don’t even know how to describe it.

And I don’t know what to do. My catchphrase is “I’ll figure something out” which really means I have no fucking idea how to deal with this, but let’s hope Time does.

It just hurts me to have any amount of hope, no matter how small, and then have it scrapped away and leaving a bigger scar than what was there before. I don’t like being lied to.

So a thesis? Hmm I am terrified to have sex, I want someone to like me for just me, and I want to be happy. Still.

I JUST DON’T WANNA FEEL LIKE THIS, LIKE ME, ANYMORE.
Help me.

Songs i don't like being able to relate to: everytime - janet jackson.

seriously? He was suppose to fade away, NOT get better. #fml he's so chill.

this nightmare that won't die but gets worse and more surreal each day. #mylife.

My mind is destroyed.

there are no words for this pain that i am going through. well, unbareable is one.

All these bad experiences are turning me into a b.i.t.c.h.

I was going to write about how my negative mindset is gonna keep me single forever but then litterally started chatting with someone. Like it was cute. But im gonna time this to see how long it lasts.

oh! There's the negative again! Win(?)!

paradox

I KNOW THAT I PREVIOUSLY WROTE ABOUT HOW A BOYFRIEND WOULD CHANGE MY LIFE FOR THE BETTER.
But I know that somewhere in that mess of words I said “I think” so I had to know that I was in the wrong somehow.
I recently watched a video of this gay little asain dude (story of my life) saying that just because you don’t have a bf doesn’t mean that there’s something wrong with you AND that putting your faith in the idea of a bf bringing you happiness isn’t going to get you far.
I hate it when shit like that just clicks. I never realized that even if I did get a boo, that when he left, I would be miserable all over again. So automatically I’m over the idea of someone else making my life better; that’s something I gotta do for myself.
Not gonna lie though, still want a boyfriend.
And about something being wrong, I am almost ready to admit that I have self-esteem issues. I know I’m fat and won’t allow myself to think that someone will like me just the way I am or that every guy I will ever meet thinks that I look repulsive. Even as I am writing this, I still think it’s true. OMG like I wanna believe that someone out there will like me just the way I am, but too many bad experiences have left me to think otherwise. So now I can’t even have a good time without having a negative thought constantly run through my mind. I hate it. Even those “moments” with those who shall not be named, the entire time I kept telling myself that they were only continuing because they’re drunk or whatever. It’s fun to live in the moment, but I want something meaningful too.
So I dunno I just need an Oprah moment for a better insight on life but that’s not gonna happen so I don’t know what to do. I want a boyfriend but don’t wanna get hurt or feel like I’m being lied to even when I’m not.
It’s like someone pulled an Inception on me and their thought has become a virus in my mind. Once again, I just want to be happy.
Ciao per Ora.

terrified.

scared of a mistake that shouldn't have happened. as much as i wanted to.
i wanted it to go on.
i can't blame anyone.
but i was being smart. i thought things through.
but i guess you have to suffer through some disappointments so that you don't have bigger problems in the end.
and that's what is going on now.
a problem bigger than me, bigger than anything else i know.
something i can't solve on my own.
a decision i never wanted to make.
but now...it has to be made.

i don't know what to fucking do.

Watching national geographical w/ 600 lbs ppl. i feel kinda better.

meaning of a friend.

I hate my friends. I honestly kinda do.
I am the best friend, ever. I will talk to you at 3am if you need to say something, text you during class just so you aren’t bored, I will even go to the mall just so you don’t look like a loner. But if I need something, I have to rely on myself to get it done.
If I’m hurt, I have to fix myself. If I’m sad, I gotta cheer myself up. If I’m alone, I have to keep myself company. There is a line from a song that plays over and over in my mind when one of my ‘friends’ isn’t there for me

You promised you’d be there, whenever I needed you. Whenever I called your name, you’re not anywhere.

This speaks to me. I feel like this song was written just for me because it is that powerful.

In my world, when you say you’re my friend, that means you will be there for me when I need it most. No matter what. I can count all the times my friend have been there for me on one hand. But the amount of occurrences that I needed them is more than I am willing to count to. I HATE it when I am forced to sit in my room alone contemplating what I should do. I wish I could talk to someone but no one is there really.
When there is, it’s not even helpful. Whenever I tell someone something that’s happening in my life I get this 'you’re being hella dramatic', 'this isn’t important', or 'I got bigger problems than you' vibe. It makes me feel horrible because I’m there for these people who are suppose to be my friends and then when I need them…when I need them most I end up feeling worst than when I started. This is why I don’t wanna tell anyone anything because I already feel bad and I don’t need to feel any worse.
I had one person who was there whenever I needed him. I put my faith in him. Knew he would be there for me no matter what. Then, he broke my heart. He shattered it into a billion pieces. I thought I was going to die from pain. Then I told myself I didn’t need him that I could move on. Six months later, I still need him. I don’t know how to mend the relationships with the people I know now. The people that I know are selfish, cruel, and hypocritical people. Yet, they are my F R I E N D S .
The next part of my song is
I’m trying to hold on just waiting to hear your voice, one word just a word will do to end this nightmare.
One individual would help. I have one person as of this moment whom I can trust. But I am so scared to lose him; I rather not give him anything that would ruin what we have. So now there’s a void in my heart that I want him to fill, but a place in my mind that tells me it could end everything we worked for.

What should I do, what can I do? I don’t want to jump in with people just so I can try again. I cannot handle anymore pain and despair. So over it, so 2010. I want to be happy. No problems to worry about, but if I did have any, friends I can trust with my problems.

Sadly this isn’t some spur of the moment shit; I’ve felt this way for a long time. I’ve just been too scared to admit it to myself. I’d rather have shitty ass friends, than no friends at all. But now, it’s not even worth it. I am just so tired of being in emotional pain. It kills me to keep things to myself and to be truly alone. But this is definitely worth dying for.
CIAO PER ORA.