an answer?

So still Kristina. Still amazing.
Lately I have been having these dreams. And they all have shared a basic concept to them:
I AM ALWAYS WITH A GUY (DATING OR FRIENDS) AND IT’S ALWAYS UNDERSTOOD THAT WE ARE TOGETHER.
I don’t know what this means yet. I still have to go deeper into these dreams but for now that’s the basic form of them.I’m not angry or happy about these dreams. But I don’t want them anymore either. In these dream I am NEVER single and always happy. When I wake up, still single and still not so sure about my current mood.

This is something that I always think too:
IF I HAVE A BOYFRIEND, THEN EVERYTHING ELSE WILL BE OK.
I guess there has been so much bad going on, I think that if I change something I at least want it to be positive and maybe it will help ease the negativity.

Why I think a boyfriend is the answer?
1. He would like me
2. He would be able to deal with me
3. His role would define him to always be there for me
4. I wouldn’t be so confused about other dudes
5. I would have someone to turn too
6. There is a sense of happiness in a relationship (through my eyes)
7. it would give me more of an identity
8. be able to…settle urges
9. bragging rights to my friends
10. someone to live for (kinda)

first.
Hopefully people who are dating each other have some feelings for one another. But that’s just my opinion. I still can’t help to think that no one will like me though. I think my appearance is holding me back and I don’t like having low self-esteem. I want to be able to be confident enough that someone (who’s not crazy) likes me. but I still don’t think so.

second.
I am a crazy bitch. Hella moody. Hella emotional. How I have friends is beyond me. anyone who would want to deal with me MUST be a soilder.

third.
As a boyfriend, it’s a requirement that you dedicate yourself to that person. I have a lot of problems and I need someone to see them through with me.
fourth.
This is pretty recent but the dating scene is so complicated. I don’t like dealing with people who are hella vague and cautious and you don’t know what they want. I need certainty in my words, feelings, and thoughts. Not someone playing the game and playing it safe.

fifth.
Kinda the same as the third so that means it’s extra important. I really hate having a problem and knowing that there is no one ever there. But just to be able to have one person to turn to would change so much.

sixth.
Most people in relationships are happy that they are able to be with someone. Not to often is someone like “ugh I have someone out there who loves me….what a pain in the ass” I want to experience (that) happiness.

seventh.
Sometimes I don’t know who I am. Losing besties like socks is hard on my identity. I forget things that I like and stuff I want to do. I just want a status that gives some stability and the opportunity to find myself.

eighth.
Sex is fun. Or so I hear.

ninth.
My friends are single. I wanna be the one to break that trend first.

tenth.
I’m emo I’ll admit it. Sometimes I don’t know what I’m doing in life. Someone to thrive for would give me more motivation not to kill myself.

Those are just my main reasons for feeling the way that I do. I have no idea if this is true or not. Just so anxious to try. But I feel that if I try to hard, I’ll ruin it. I dunno time moves to slow for me. but I guess when it happens it will happen…
CIAO PER ORA.