so CLEARLY I'm not having the best of days. I made a big mistake yes, I can admit it. As much as it pains me to say it, it was a stupid ass act on my behalf.
and when shit like this happens there seems to be a slippery slope of relapse.
and then I just want to quit everything. There is nothing left for me here to do because I don't see myself having anything left to look forward to or aspire to.
then I had this WEIRD dream. I was dead. but I was with some people, but not ALL the people I loved. I saw the people who I knew I would never be able to see again. I then truly understood death is permanent, that once you're gone, you are GONE.
then I realized, I'm not ready to die yet. although there is a lot of stuff that just fucking sucks and it doesn't seem to be getting any better, I can't just be dead.
on that note I still am not sure what to do. I don't want to keep letting people down, but i know they might actually care for me. But am I really worth that effort?
who knows.
