I’m looking for an answer. Because I need one.
there are no problems that don’t have a cause, or a root. But finding that root can be as hard as solving the solving the problem. Funny thing is you need to know the root to solve it.
My problem? Well I have a lot, but one that’s a tad more specific is I am constantly thinking of someone who did me wrong. I want to stop, but I can’t stop myself. The faster I figure out exactly what it is that I miss about him, the faster I can move on.
I am a survivor of a traumatic event that no one in their lives should have to endure. To be honest, I wasn’t the best before all of this happened either. After my little encounter, life just got immensely worse. The details are in previous entries if you have the intelligence to decode. But I can say that in the beginning it was hard to find myself valuable. I didn’t see me having a future or deserving one. I got involved in some “risky” behavior only because I didn’t care about my life. So I literally would just do anything.
Then this guy comes along and says every perfect thing imaginable. Of course I fell for it, but what I did with him I would have never done prior. I had no idea what I was getting into but I was so fucking damaged, that it didn’t matter. I had become numb.
But this guy just haaaaaad to be different. He had put up with all the bullshit (I would constantly told him to just forget about me and put up walls like no other), he would talk to me just to talk (nothing to nasty), and basically he just got me. When you are down and someone like that comes around, and you finally realized that there is some good in people, it can be an amazing thing.
Also I was never pressured into doing anything I didn’t want to do. Sometime it seemed like he wanted more of me, and that he was using me too. I haven’t quite figured that out. But never was there a situation where I felt obligated to do anything and most of the time the focus was on me. Eventually he had noticed that there was something not quite ‘normal’ about me, but he said that he was still willing to try. I had choices, and he listened to them. I felt really special with him…
Then when it seemed everything was getting better, he left and it made me feel like crap. Like I had done something wrong, like I had some sort of social disease that I wasn’t going to be able to overcome. Honestly I never really gotten over it until I had to reopen the door that he was so quick to shut.
His ‘excuse’ for leaving never struck me as truth, but I had told him my reasons for being so guarded, he claims he understood and promised that he wouldn’t be ‘that guy’.
We were supposed to stay lightweight committed, just talk to each other, but we weren’t exclusive. But, I fell for his games again and he left again. But this time I was just mad how one could witness someone at their lowest and take advantage of that. That sickened me.
Now after a LOT of self-work, I’m better than before and realize that that is not the dude for me. He’s too much of a player.
Even so I haven’t really quite gotten over him yet. I find myself in fantasies and daydreams that often involve him. Then I have to ask myself why, because there are no feelings of attraction anymore. Those are done.
So my question/problem is why is it that I am still not over him?
There are several reasons that I have come up with and they are all decent to an extent.
First is vulnerability. I was a wreck and he was my Romeo. Simple as that. He made me see value in myself again; something I had forgotten. I had grown kinda dependent on the kid for self-worth.
Second is evolutionary. We’re talking Oxytocin people, the bonding hormone. Females are cursed with extreme amounts of it so that when we have that skin to skin, our bonding experiences are immediate. I remember telling him “I feel safe in your arms”. I was on such high alert in all my other surroundings so when I was with him I knew everything was going to be ok. No pain. Physical at least. I miss that feeling too.
Third is reciprocity of likingness. Humans like to be liked, and I liked feeling important to someone. I like thinking that someone out there likes being with me just because I’m me. For me that was awesome.
So add all these up and basically I liked how I felt when I was with him. Everything he did made me feel better. I liked who he had made me become. Sort of. He was essentially everything I asked for [see Answer & Paradox].
But then we learn that there are ways to better ourselves without people or things. Because everything is temporary and we shouldn’t attach ourselves to things that won’t always be here. So now I see that homie just made me feel appreciated. I was starting to realize this but now it’s official. I was also beginning to think that maybe it could just replace homie with a new (better) dude. But I might end up in the same position.
So my new problem is how do I recreate those positive feelings for myself?
Honestly I think that’s it. This has nothing to do with him anymore; I’m getting back to me. He is no longer a crucial factor but more of a figure to shape my goal out of. Meaning he set the example, I know what I want I just gotta get it. But I am no longer confused about him. It all makes sense now.
So even though I have come up with this explanation, I still refer back to my “healthy relationship” worksheet and notice that he was actually someone that I am looking for. He only had one deal breaker out of my 8(?) . But a deal breaker is a deal breaker.
But when I think about that, it just leads back to me making a goal that can only be accomplished through another person. So my worksheet it amazing, but I gotta find me and just be me for a while.
another challenge accomplished.
