Well moving on actually is just as
hard as every song on says it is. But I think for my special situation, it’s
only worse. I [think I] know that one of the reasons I wanted to kick it with
M.I.A. student is because I bared a very sensitive topic to him. So maybe I
feel like that “bonded” us together. I know that it sucks not being able to do
things you wanna do because you’re terrified. So the fact that he does know was
kinda a burden that I didn’t have to be conflicted with anymore. HOWEVER he
didn’t quite understand the severity of the problem. Like most people,
including my former self, he knew it was bad, but not how bad.
But I’m not here for make excuses
for the kidd. I think I’m here to convince myself once again why the current
path I’m on to never speak to him again is the right path for me. I have to do
this because I constantly keep finding myself wanting to go back to him. Three
reasons, one: I’m already broken and hurt, what more damage could possibly
happen? Two: what if he’s my only chance, throughout the year I’ve been in
contact I guess I could say with a few dudes, and by comparison…wait no. They
were all pretty crappy. But this kidd was the only kidd to actually say that he
liked me, that’s what’s keeping him in a “better league” I suppose. But I still
don’t know if he even meant it. So that’s definitely a reason too. Three: he
never made me do anything I didn’t absolutely want to do. Obviously he
tricked me into going back to him, but never any actions I was uncomfortable with, which from my historical
background, is still very admirable.
So I discussed this with one of my fellow
broken hearted colleague and he agrees that they best thing to do is avoid him
forever more. What really stood out to me was his choice of words. He preached
to me that “if he keeps doing you dirty that means he'll just keep doing it.
Those kinds of people will not change”. That’s very fucking true and I’m well
aware of that. WHICH IS WHY I’M SO FRUSTRATED I know no good could possibly
come of this yet I still want him hella badly. M.I.A. student’s not gonna
change no matter how bad I want him to, it ain’t gonna happen.
It’s when I read my past thoughts
and feelings about this, I remember the anger and pain that went into those
words. I remember how fucking pissed I was and how bitter it made me. If I just
give up everything I worked for, it would not be fair to my former self. If
someone where to tell me that in a few months, I would be crawling back, I’d be
like fuck that shit there’s no way in hell. Besides, what would happen if I did
go back and he wouldn’t want anything to do with me anymore? THAT WOULD SO KILL
ME. I think I run shit but really I was just the doll in his puppet show, he
called the shots, I simply obeyed.
Although I do recall saying “I’m not sure I’m not gonna miss him”
which you know, is exactly where I’m at now. I have a few reasons that kinda
make sense but I’m still not quite sure why the guy that I ‘like’ most is a conniving,
manipulative, devious, lying, two-faced sack of shit. I really don’t want to
defend his side but there was some good in him even if it was very, very fucking little. I miss that and
that is what I want now. I don’t have many friends that can help me through my
situation anymore so I have really bad days. I know I shouldn’t depend on
people to provide my own happiness, but I can’t lie it be so awesome to have
someone be the reason I smile-but not entirely.
So just gonna have to deal with
this suffering even more. Like I said “I'm
gonna get over this. Somehow.” Funny, it’s been months, and I’m still not
quite sure how to do that precisely. But I can’t go back, there’s nothing in
the past that can help me right now [well except everything I learned from my
awesome counselor]. I’ve heard that happiness/love comes when you least expect
it. I’m not really asking for all of that, I just want piece of mind. That
should be given to me, I deserve to be sane at least.
