KARMA

and it goes around

all this time

after the lying

flaking

cheating

backstabbing

he is finally learning what he has been doing to others:

hurting people

that is all he has done to people who trusted him

but nooow

he has literally no one to turn to

i shouldn't be happy

but i am =D

and as of today, i honestly know i don't want him to be my friend of any kind

good bye Jonathan

it's been real...watse of time =/

money money money money m o n e y

so there's stuff i WANT to do
and shit i NEED to do
but i dont have to money to do it all

1. i WANT to see Avenue Q and i have beem wanting to see it for like 2 years
2. i NEED to go to the doctor for what could be a life or death situation
3. my mom WANTS me to get my metro phone back on but if i do that then i will NEED to buy a new phone
4. i HAVE to buy something. but i dont wanna

i think thats it
hmmm
what to do

another day [spellcheck NOT included]

so today was way to eventful to forget
but let's not

so regular day starts off with human sexuality for me
my sister offered me a ride to the station and with that ride, i got to school and hour early, bored as hell, so i go sit with this girl so I dont look like that loner eventually alex calls me and tells me he is going to be late
coolio
so we get in class and just sitting, waiting... then i realized it's 10:40. class starts at 10:30. people started leaving then people started to comeback. then our teacher said that class has been cancelled
dang.
so alex calls back and we are both mad so we decide to do bruch at the tower cafe since our next class didnt start till 1
but it was raining
we walk to the damn station [missed the first train] and then wait the 15 minutes so by the time we actually get on the train, we are soaking wet and cooooold
so we get off and are like 'ok you wanna catch the bus?' but we didnt know when the bus was coming so we just kept looking behind us
then we did our 'check' and saw the bus, we really wanted to catch it so then we ran across the street like crazy folks and we hear a dog barking then we finally get on the right side of the street and i turned around saw a fucking dog baring its teeth barking at me
i just kept saying 'OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD' and then alex throws in a HEY and the little fuck ran away
then we realize where we were and saw we were close to Tower Cafe and noticed that we could just walk to the damn place
so we get in and had to properly present ourselves ;] we order our stereotypical meals me the fish and chips alex with the enchilada LMAO
but yeah we were thinking about going to target to shop for nothing then we check that time and realized that we needed to get back to school so we paid and headed back to school
we get to ASL 1 and did the same ole
then class was over and we started walking to the station again...still raining...had to but alex a new umbrella because his actually broke then we [now with amber and megan] and it was so funny because we had instant rain karma
because amber stepped in a puddle and alex laughed, then alex stepped in a puddle and i laughed, then i stepped in a puddle but nothing really happened to megan lol
but then we go home and alex's mom picks up from 29th and alex's dog was in the back seat [keep in mind i still had dog fear] but SHE WAS SO CUTE!! haha
so we drop off alex's neice, pick up his aunt and eventually returned to my home

hella long ass day
but then i get home to josiah, carla, my mom, and trymica
wooo just gets kinda hetic after that hahaha

tired of being sorry

oh wow
just wow

hella angry right now, just nothing seems to be going right now

i am tired of people trying to keep secrets
i am the ultimate liar, so if you're lying you better be damn sure i already know homes
so stop trying to make everything better for yourself, because you're just hurting me

i am tired of being reminded
that i fucking fail at life
i know i know this
leave me alone

i am tired of being alone
that's way to complex to explain right now

it's whatev bitch
I'm out

just like a pill

have you ever had so many things wrong with you, you knew you needed to go to the doctor and like have them checked out
BUT
there is some one who has a bigger problem do they really cant complain?
that is what my friend is like right now
she's hella sick
like she thinks she's dying
she knows she's dying
but there's nothing she can do about
kinda sucks really

mr. telephone man

i have been without phone for only 3 days
i never realized how dependent i was on that thing
i feel like i need more to socialize than for emergencies
either way i want my damn phone back

ummm
i need to get some shit done
i find myself 'replaying' my happy memories
and it's worth it XP
[= dooooood
seriously
he's hella awesome

addicted.

dude
i had the best dream ever
i woke up in like total bliss
long story short it was with this super amazing guy
[that i obviously like]
and it was just awesome
he's awesome
yeeeee

um yeah
i could honestly go on forever
but i have shit to do
=]

i'm still cheesing XD

tell it like it is

i guess i never actually said why i was mad
truthfully, i do not remember
i guess i was so wrapped up in my emotions i forgot
but let's try and remember:

we went swing dancing and had fun
then school started
i tried to talk to him [phone, text, IM] but couldn't get in contact with him
i thought he was just super busy with work and couldn't talk, which was fine
then, i found out he wasn't busy with work or school, but someone else
which to me is still fine, i just wanna know
so i think i was jealous in a way
but in the same way i kept thinking "but we're friends..."

i know why i was so flipping paranoid
there's my ex-best friend [for life] that i lost..because HE was and still is a bitch
to lose someone you been through pretty much everything with over something so retarded is dumb as hell.
this is why i don't want to lose friends for stupid reasons
cause to get hella 'personal-like' with someone and then just see them walk out on you is kinda harsh
and it hurts
a lot

so i reacted in the only way i knew how: with anger
i don't know how to 'channel' my feelings
when I'm sad i yell at people for no reason so when I'm annoyed, irritated, or feel like i have been betrayed, i just shut everything and everyone out and hate everything

i wanna say we both fuzzed up but the more i think about it, the more it makes me sound like a bitch
so i dunno
guess that makes me the retarded bitch huh?

misery business

i thought we were going to have this epic breakdown between us to figure out why we aren't functioning...
no
we'll just act like nothing ever happened
that is exactly the same right?
NO
it's like we are ignoring the featured problem
pretending it never happened
then right when something else happens, this will make it bigger that what it already was

i guess the question now is would i rather it still be weird or just act like there's nothing to think over

i rather us figure it out
cause in the future, this is going to happen again, and again, and again

we are getting no wheres

hate is a strong word

Ha ha ha
He said 'you're with someone who hates me'.
That someone he was referring to was and still is me. If he knew me like he says he does, he would know I honestly do not hate anyone. As much as I could and I think I should, I don't.
The thing is we are suppose to try and fix our 'friendship' but what the hell am I suppose to do when he thinks I hate him? Tell him I don't and see where it goes from there? Or should I let he think that and maybe he will be willing to speak then. I do not know
The only reason I want this to be over is because I have other things to attend to in my life. That and he keeps bringing people into this dilemma. One friend told me 'I don't want to be dragged into your fight' I replied 'well I didn't drag you into it did I? I think you need to be talking to someone else'
But at the same time I don't want to bring people into it, it feels good to talk about it instead of having to keep a whole bunch of feelings inside and pretend that they aren't there.


the reason why I say friendship in quotations is because I don't think the relationship we posses is one that should friends share... sometimes it will be total bliss and then one of us will say or do something so small it will explode between us. and I kind of feel like we are always waiting for that moment, like we both know that we get on each others nerves but we are waiting for it to happen...I don't know it's kind of confusing really

I really do want to be his friend...I think
Deep deep deep deep deep down I think there might be a part of me that doesn't want to lose him, a part that wants to keep him. But when I look for reasons to, I draw a serious blank. Like super serious.

I need to know what it is that is so special it's worth keeping. Then I will know. My heart will know. My mind, body and soul will know.

But until then, we are getting and going nowhere. And I'm afraid we might be stuck like that forever

admit it

the first step to solving anything, is admiting there is a problem. am i right? i am
i am tired i am so TIRED of being hurt, given hope, and being let down. it so hurtful. i think i may have found someone who is true as a friends

as for that other person...guy...JONATHAN
im sorry
but i honestly think i never want to have anything to do with you again
i dont want to say our friendship is over cuz it never really began
you are so complicated
i am just as complicated
and we...we just don't click-not that we can't-we just don't
so yeah
shut the fuck up notice what's going on and then talk to me
thats all you have to do
we could beat this

but you have to try