The previous post was mainly just to get in a thought for the
month of February. Then I was intrigued by the whole "leap year"
thing and doing things in the spur of the moment all that carpe diem shit, but
lately I just don't see the point anyone.
There are times
when I feel like I'm getting worse, but in fact I'm A LOT better, just a lot
lonelier. So it's kinda like a half and half thing, in some ways I'm better but
in some ways I'm worse. In the areas that I've tried to improve, I haven't. But
I'm not sure what else I can do. It's not like I'm sitting around all wishful
thinking I have tried to figure things out. But I have made no progress in
doing so. So now I don't know what else there is to and that's what is
bothering me
A friend once asked
me "what is the reason you get up in morning?" what is your
motivation. Why do you do the things you do?
I have no fucking
idea.
And I ask myself
that question everyday because
part of me has given up and doesn't see the point in all this bullshit I have
to deal with. I don't see a future for, there's nothing that I can look forward
to in life, I just don't know what I’m doing here anymore.
No Doubt I understand that life is
precious, there are some fighting to survive, wishing they had more time, some
who ran out way too soon. I get that, but my needs aren’t selfish like that. When
you have to live with my problems, you wouldn’t want to be here either, you
know nothing of hell. This is something someone should have to suffer through,
this just isn’t fucking fair.
But then there's
another part, a stronger part
that forces me to keep going. That’s what I want to know, why am I still
running?
Why am I dying to live if I’m just living to die?
I guess I just keep going then until...oh idk
