half alive

The previous post was mainly just to get in a thought for the month of February. Then I was intrigued by the whole "leap year" thing and doing things in the spur of the moment all that carpe diem shit, but lately I just don't see the point anyone.  

There are times when I feel like I'm getting worse, but in fact I'm A LOT better, just a lot lonelier. So it's kinda like a half and half thing, in some ways I'm better but in some ways I'm worse. In the areas that I've tried to improve, I haven't. But I'm not sure what else I can do. It's not like I'm sitting around all wishful thinking I have tried to figure things out. But I have made no progress in doing so. So now I don't know what else there is to and that's what is bothering me

A friend once asked me "what is the reason you get up in morning?" what is your motivation. Why do you do the things you do? 

I have no fucking idea. 

And I ask myself that question everyday because part of me has given up and doesn't see the point in all this bullshit I have to deal with. I don't see a future for, there's nothing that I can look forward to in life, I just don't know what I’m doing here anymore. 

No Doubt I understand that life is precious, there are some fighting to survive, wishing they had more time, some who ran out way too soon. I get that, but my needs aren’t selfish like that. When you have to live with my problems, you wouldn’t want to be here either, you know nothing of hell. This is something someone should have to suffer through, this just isn’t fucking fair.

But then there's another part, a stronger part that forces me to keep going. That’s what I want to know, why am I still running?

Why am I dying to live if I’m just living to die?

I guess I just keep going then until...oh idk