an answer?

So still Kristina. Still amazing.
Lately I have been having these dreams. And they all have shared a basic concept to them:
I AM ALWAYS WITH A GUY (DATING OR FRIENDS) AND IT’S ALWAYS UNDERSTOOD THAT WE ARE TOGETHER.
I don’t know what this means yet. I still have to go deeper into these dreams but for now that’s the basic form of them.I’m not angry or happy about these dreams. But I don’t want them anymore either. In these dream I am NEVER single and always happy. When I wake up, still single and still not so sure about my current mood.

This is something that I always think too:
IF I HAVE A BOYFRIEND, THEN EVERYTHING ELSE WILL BE OK.
I guess there has been so much bad going on, I think that if I change something I at least want it to be positive and maybe it will help ease the negativity.

Why I think a boyfriend is the answer?
1. He would like me
2. He would be able to deal with me
3. His role would define him to always be there for me
4. I wouldn’t be so confused about other dudes
5. I would have someone to turn too
6. There is a sense of happiness in a relationship (through my eyes)
7. it would give me more of an identity
8. be able to…settle urges
9. bragging rights to my friends
10. someone to live for (kinda)

first.
Hopefully people who are dating each other have some feelings for one another. But that’s just my opinion. I still can’t help to think that no one will like me though. I think my appearance is holding me back and I don’t like having low self-esteem. I want to be able to be confident enough that someone (who’s not crazy) likes me. but I still don’t think so.

second.
I am a crazy bitch. Hella moody. Hella emotional. How I have friends is beyond me. anyone who would want to deal with me MUST be a soilder.

third.
As a boyfriend, it’s a requirement that you dedicate yourself to that person. I have a lot of problems and I need someone to see them through with me.
fourth.
This is pretty recent but the dating scene is so complicated. I don’t like dealing with people who are hella vague and cautious and you don’t know what they want. I need certainty in my words, feelings, and thoughts. Not someone playing the game and playing it safe.

fifth.
Kinda the same as the third so that means it’s extra important. I really hate having a problem and knowing that there is no one ever there. But just to be able to have one person to turn to would change so much.

sixth.
Most people in relationships are happy that they are able to be with someone. Not to often is someone like “ugh I have someone out there who loves me….what a pain in the ass” I want to experience (that) happiness.

seventh.
Sometimes I don’t know who I am. Losing besties like socks is hard on my identity. I forget things that I like and stuff I want to do. I just want a status that gives some stability and the opportunity to find myself.

eighth.
Sex is fun. Or so I hear.

ninth.
My friends are single. I wanna be the one to break that trend first.

tenth.
I’m emo I’ll admit it. Sometimes I don’t know what I’m doing in life. Someone to thrive for would give me more motivation not to kill myself.

Those are just my main reasons for feeling the way that I do. I have no idea if this is true or not. Just so anxious to try. But I feel that if I try to hard, I’ll ruin it. I dunno time moves to slow for me. but I guess when it happens it will happen…
CIAO PER ORA.

what is love?

The Current Dating Scene

By Dee Vha

My name is Kristina West and I am a member of this society. That makes me and expert at everything I experience. Lately I have been bothered by the way my generation has modified the dating scene. I think it is refuckingtarded and nonproductive. But that’s just me. In this entry, I would like to cover a few point of why I am right

-the internet/texting/anything that isn’t face to face communication

-unclear statuses

-rushed expectations

I think these are the core points that are making dating and relationships so…bad. Everyday, people are falling in and out of what they think is love. Personally, I have never experienced true love. Some may think that since I never have, I don’t know what it is. Think again, if I know I haven’t gone through it, then I know what it is and more importantly what it ISN’T. We need to revert back to the old days. People then are still happily married. They did something right, and we can learn from that. That’s it for my intro, Queste sono le mie parole a voi.

Digitized Love.

“Communication works for those who work at it.” – John Powell

I absolutely can’t stand it when someone begins to repeat a situation that happened through text. Or Facebook. Whatever. The best way to talk to someone is by being constantly present in the conversation. Whether it be talking face to face, on the phone, or video chatting you are able to get an immediate response because there is no room for them to hide expressions or have their words be misinterpreted. For example, when people say “I love you”; they can say “I luv U, “I <3>

Then there is internet dating. eHarmony, Zoosk, Match.com. This shouldn’t be how you imagine finding your true love. Hell no. You actually want to pay to fall in love. Really? Personally, this makes people look desperate and afraid. You don’t want to do the work because you’ve had a few bad experiences. Now you figure that you have to try and be in love. No one is too busy to look for their soulmate. No one has tried EVERYTHING and came up with no results. Once again how well can you know someone through a computer screen? Even on these sites they state that a small number actually lead to marriage, and out of that small amount, who knows how many end with divorce. Point is, you’re going to have to meet real people to be in a real relationship.

Let’s talk about sext. Sexting as it is better known. This is often a bad side effect of internet relationships. All guys (some girls too!) ever wanna do is sext. This is worse than actually being harassed in person because they have a way to always contact you. It’s annoying ugh can’t even begin to explain how much I hate it. But I have to admit, it’s safer. No STDs or pregnancy risks involved. It’s all pictures and lies. However some people get a bit personal and want to make a fake relationship more serious. So make every move cautiously.

Basically people I’m just trying to say that communication is essential for every relationship. Any generic form of the sort isn’t going to advance your situation.

Draw a Line.

“We look at each other wondering what the other is thinking but we never say a thing.” – Dave Matthews Band

Nowadays there’s a difference between just talking, dating, and having someone be your boy/girl friend. With each of these titles there are a different set of rules that go along with them. This can be good and bad. But for this segment, I’m going to focus on the bad. Correct me if I’m wrong.

When you are just talking to someone, it’s usually just expressing your interest in someone. Pretty much saying you kinda like them and want to get to know them more. That’s perfectly fine. Some even take it further and limit themselves to certain amount of people they want to talk to. Even better. Now it gets tricky; the difference of dating and officially being a couple. When you are dating someone, it is clear that you and the other person like each other, now you spend more time together. HOWEVER there is no “rule” saying you cannot continue to talk or date to other people. I have seen many people get hurt because of this. Some use “I’m not ready to be in a relationship” and that’s perfectly fine. Just don’t waste other people’s time leading them on. I once heard a man on the bus say “fuck the dating scene. If I like you and you like me, you’re my girlfriend.” WHY CAN IT NOT BE THIS SIMPLE?!

Slow it Down.

“The only reason for time is so that everything doesn't happen at once.” – Albert Einstein

You don’t need to say I love you after you’ve been with someone for a month. There’s no need to put out on the first date. Marriage is not expected after the first year of dating. There’s always time to fall in love, and you don’t want to waste any of it mending a broken heart. I know too many married couple my age. It’s insane. The majority of them will be divorced in due time, I know.

It’s sad to see that people just want in on a relationship just because they don’t want to be alone. I know this for a fact. I don’t like being single. I fucking hate it. But I don’t want to be in a shitty ass relationship just so I can say I have a boyfriend. I’m also the president of the Impatient Peoples of America (IPA) and I hate waiting. But somewhere in my heart (if it’s still beating) I know I’m doing to right thing for me.

If you are lucky enough to find someone to be with, savor the moment. Live life. Don’t ask too much, if they really like you, they’ll give you what you need. I can’t express this enough but just take it slow.

Love is a bitch. Scientific fact. But we can’t help to find ourselves back in its quarrels over and over again. Just know what you want, and go for it. It’s kinda contradictory for me to say keep an open mind as well, but hey, I like my sentences when they clash. So just keep in mind that communication is vital and time is your friend…sometimes.

Ciao per ora.

Ready For Love - India.Arie

Ready to save the world...knowing the would doesn't have my back. That's what makes me a good friend. I guess.

Felt emotions today. I don't like feeling human. It weakens the character i always. But it was for good reasons i know. Idon'tliketofeelhurt.

it's october

thought i let you kno

? his name accidently kept poppin out of my mouth everytime i was talking about someone else. So i dunno i might have blew it but hopefully i see him tomo

? ng else and so he was like i'm gonna go and i wanted to go with him but i didn't wanna seem annoying so i just let him leave. The weird part about it was

? rlfriend?' and right as he started to answer my friend came up because i forgot i had her phone and she started walking with us and he went to do somethi

? him. Ok so then we're talking and he left his friend to continue talking to me cuz i got it like that sucka. Then he had to do some business shit so i w

? hug and i know It's hella lame for me to get stoked about it but it was a really...intimate i guess especially since it was the only the third time i saw

? was dropping mad hints and then i was just about to go for his number and then he had to leave (sad face i know). So today i saw him again he gave me a

? Alright so i feel like i should tell you this. So last week i met this dude at school hella sexy like you don't even know. And yesterday i saw him and he

sometimes you have to get your heart crushed to forget it was broken

True Life: I Need Help.

remember.

If we are meant to always look forward to heaven, why are we told to enjoy earth?

I do not want to die

I will be dead between the ages of 22 – 25

My mind confirms this, but the outsiders say no

The outsiders are wrong, they are ALWAYS wrong and they hurt Kristina

They say Kristina is great we will miss her

But people always lie and they are lying now

I can’t live for others who lie, and I can’t live for me because I’m already dead

But I am still here. Sadly

too emotional.

fuck you.

tired of being alone.

like how he listens and analyzes.

but he will leave like the others did.

they all leave.

they never stay.

You know what really grinds my gears? When your friend calls you saying that they're bored then you ask what do they wanna do then they are like 'i dunno'. ugh

Golden Girls had an episode about not commiting suicide. Had a point.

HELLA. FUCKING. PISSED. shitty ass friends = SHITTY ASS PEOPLE!!!!!

} un away and i never got to goodbye to my boy. HOW SAD IS MY LIFE!

} my mind arizona and ohio are only one hour away walking] but right when i got there my father shows up and tells me to come home so then i decided to r

} Remember that boy in ohio? Well i had a dream that i flew out to pheniox and he and his friend met me there, so then we walked back to his house [cuz in

honestly, I'm tired of being mad all the time.
But on that same note, I do not like most of the people I'm closest to.
AND I don't like being the blame for o.p.p.
Ugh I had my ONE friend, who at the end of the day, made it all better.
But he is gone.
And now, I have no one.

Tell me everything is gonna be ok, and watch you get FUCKED up
Bitch.

don't let me get me

i'm my own worst enemy

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooohmygosh

like one year ago, life was pretty descent

fuck the past tho right?

ummm

ok

check it

i think i put to much faith in others

even tho i know that i shouldn't talk to people because they let you down, it still feels...safer and better when i talk to peopleDOTDOTDOT esp a certain person.

it feels like everything isn't so bad and that things can get better

but then i get left alone in the darkness again. so so FUCK idk what to do

crazy ass shit ALL THE FUCKING TIME

just don't let me get me

emotions.

holy shit i can't write

last post made absolutely no sense

wtf

ok so

let's recap

i isolated myself from the world because the world wanted to be mean to be

then i entered the world [kindaish] again

and the world was just as cruel

so i tried. now i can say i tried. but to be honest being alone is sometimes better

even though i would like someone to be there sometimes, that's not how it is.

no one will ever be there for you in life when you need them most. and the only person you can trust is yourself.

so i might so hermit mode again i dunno

oh yea

uuuummmm since ______ [you know who you are dickshit] wanted to be an ASSHOLE

WE ARE NOT FRIENDS ANYMORE

so stop telling people i'm mad at you. being mad implies we are still together

but we aren't you wanted to talk shit and think you know everything. fine. be a fucktard. i wish a cruel death upon you.

the reason

last post was in march only seems natural to try and get back into this

it's not gonna work tho but but eh whatev

ummm so i was considering leaving sac because of how it just hold my mistakes in my face and but i dunno. not feeling life lately. wonder why i'm still living

ever lose a best friend? ever lose a best friend 7 times?

stopped talking to everyone because everyone wanted to be a BITCH at the same time

and kristina doesn't do emotions anymore, so i just stopped talking to everyone

but then i went to summer school...and saw everyone...and they seem mad...i dunno i really don't care tho i should but i really don't and i don't know what i'm doing in life anymore

i'm not living for anything or anyone not even myself so why am i alive? i dunno

hhmmmm yea is this melancholy the result of a certain person's actions? it's certainly a beginning

but seriously, i'm done with this. i need a reason to continue one. i already have my reasons not to

get ready

1. people stop hiding those emotions

2. i'm leaving

3. to be continued...

Jack's Lament

Oh, there's an empty place in my bones That calls out for something unknown The fame and praise come year after year Does nothing for these empty tears

still searching

A little child has grown

And he's got love on his mind

But what he'll never know

A virtuous woman is hard to find

And that's when she said

She feels the pain

And she'll never fall

In love again

Do You Remember The Times?

haha so i'm a band nerd

whether i rep it or not, i am

and i was JUST look through pics from disneyland and everytime i do, i almost start to cry

for the Band, Disneyland was the shit. you where miles away from who you really were and nothing else mattered

and everytime we went, it was honestly magical. i was with the people who i spent not only my love of music with, but the majority of my free time with

and to get away from BS, HW, RHS haha it was just great

so everytime i see myself back then, i see how happy i was, i just think 'man, i should have lived it up more.'

i do have one wish [with my other one wish]

if i could go back to DL with my favorite ppl exactly how everything was back then, it would be the best ever

there's magic there, i believe there is

they were home.

ugh so lately...since forever, i've always needed just one person there for me ya know to keep me sane but there has never been one person there for me and now it's starting to get to me and every time i think it oooovveerrr just one song pops into my head and it's only one part

You promised you'd be there

Whenever i needed you

Whenever i called your name

You’re not anywhere

I'm trying to hold on

Just waiting to hear your voice

One word, just a word will do

To end this nightmare

the song is called endless night

and later on he goes into detail about 'how he know the night must end, and he knows that the sun will rise'
in case you're wondering who he is his name is Simba
but anywhooo

i'm still living my nightmare because my sun has yet to rise and for me, nothing really has changed for the better but what am i to doooo

I’m in this endless night waiting to wake up to a morning where the sun will shine brightly and I will bask in all its glory and smile a smile that is worth being excited about

But I don’t know how get there

Oh but until then I’m DEFINITELY on my own because if I have learned anything in life so far, it’s you’ll always be on your own

true colors

for a while i have been blinded by my 'friends' actions because i thought that our friendship was too precious to risk

i don't believe in friendships anymore

well some at least

if i'm not happy, then i'm not happy

no amount of years can change that

so with pure pride, i ended it. bam. honestly i wished i would have expressed myself more with that

another one of my past friendships is coming back...again...and i hate it because no one can see through their lies but i know who they really are. so when they get hurt, darn.

also, if you're mad at me, i would appreciate if you told me so. if you don't, then in my eyes, you're a fucking bitch

but in the end i have been there for someone like with all my heart, even though it hurts me a lot to help them out, i know it's for the better. what we have, i rather have than nothing. if that makes sense

so in the end, your true colors aren't that hard to see, and it could be the reason why i DON'T love you

but then again who knows

something's gotta give

^^i don't even think that's a song^^

ok

so

life sucks

i'm just gonna say it

so much shit going on right now

uh

haha

ok but

i know what i need:

a distraction

something to remind why i am still living and remember that life is something not to be taken granted for and should be live to the fullest extent

but i really can't be distracted by anything without returning to where i originally began

but there is something that helps me get by

m.u.s.i.c.

for me, music is the air i breathe, and the legacy that will live on

so you know fuck new year bullshit.every day should be new, just because a date has change, your perspective on life shouldn't. if you wanted something done, you had the whole damn year to do it.

besides

i don't wanna be anyone new really.

i just wanna be happy.

i just wanna go one day and say 'it was a good day'

one day. one goal. one song.

just gotta find it