If you wanna have sex, do you boo. But that’s just not my thing.
I fucking hate talking to people. Every guy I have encounter just wants to ffuucckk. That’s fine, but that’s not me. So sorry to bust your balls, but I’m not ready/going to go down on you.
I seriously rather have someone just come out and say “I wanna beat that pussy, real talk” than fucking lie to me.
Don’t get my hopes up if you’re just gonna crush them.
I don’t know if this has any relation with the “Incident” but I honestly can’t imagine having sex with anyone ever. I used to think no one would want to, but now I can’t think of anything but pain and torture when thinking of the process.
I just want a boyfriend, or something like that.
But now I am FUCKING MESSED UP. Everyday, I think of the pain I went through, can’t function, can’t trust anyone, and hate everyone. Oh my gambit I can’t function it’s ridiculous. I don’t like people grabbing me, I freak out. I don’t like whispering, I hate being alone, I hate being awake, I hate being alive. Sometimes.
I can’t trust anyone. Can’t talk to people. I want but more importantly NEED help but I don’t know how to ask for it. Can’t try and date people because I’m scared now. I’m terrified. I’m angry. I’m upset. I’m depressed.
But I can’t let anyone know.
I want to be ok…I was already fucking shitty as hell before the “Incident” but now I don’t even know how to describe it.
And I don’t know what to do. My catchphrase is “I’ll figure something out” which really means I have no fucking idea how to deal with this, but let’s hope Time does.
It just hurts me to have any amount of hope, no matter how small, and then have it scrapped away and leaving a bigger scar than what was there before. I don’t like being lied to.
So a thesis? Hmm I am terrified to have sex, I want someone to like me for just me, and I want to be happy. Still.
I JUST DON’T WANNA FEEL LIKE THIS, LIKE ME, ANYMORE.
Help me.
Saturday, January 29, 2011
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Thursday, January 20, 2011
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Monday, January 17, 2011
Saturday, January 15, 2011
paradox
I KNOW THAT I PREVIOUSLY WROTE ABOUT HOW A BOYFRIEND WOULD CHANGE MY LIFE FOR THE BETTER.
But I know that somewhere in that mess of words I said “I think” so I had to know that I was in the wrong somehow.
I recently watched a video of this gay little asain dude (story of my life) saying that just because you don’t have a bf doesn’t mean that there’s something wrong with you AND that putting your faith in the idea of a bf bringing you happiness isn’t going to get you far.
I hate it when shit like that just clicks. I never realized that even if I did get a boo, that when he left, I would be miserable all over again. So automatically I’m over the idea of someone else making my life better; that’s something I gotta do for myself.
Not gonna lie though, still want a boyfriend.
And about something being wrong, I am almost ready to admit that I have self-esteem issues. I know I’m fat and won’t allow myself to think that someone will like me just the way I am or that every guy I will ever meet thinks that I look repulsive. Even as I am writing this, I still think it’s true. OMG like I wanna believe that someone out there will like me just the way I am, but too many bad experiences have left me to think otherwise. So now I can’t even have a good time without having a negative thought constantly run through my mind. I hate it. Even those “moments” with those who shall not be named, the entire time I kept telling myself that they were only continuing because they’re drunk or whatever. It’s fun to live in the moment, but I want something meaningful too.
So I dunno I just need an Oprah moment for a better insight on life but that’s not gonna happen so I don’t know what to do. I want a boyfriend but don’t wanna get hurt or feel like I’m being lied to even when I’m not.
It’s like someone pulled an Inception on me and their thought has become a virus in my mind. Once again, I just want to be happy.
Ciao per Ora.
But I know that somewhere in that mess of words I said “I think” so I had to know that I was in the wrong somehow.
I recently watched a video of this gay little asain dude (story of my life) saying that just because you don’t have a bf doesn’t mean that there’s something wrong with you AND that putting your faith in the idea of a bf bringing you happiness isn’t going to get you far.
I hate it when shit like that just clicks. I never realized that even if I did get a boo, that when he left, I would be miserable all over again. So automatically I’m over the idea of someone else making my life better; that’s something I gotta do for myself.
Not gonna lie though, still want a boyfriend.
And about something being wrong, I am almost ready to admit that I have self-esteem issues. I know I’m fat and won’t allow myself to think that someone will like me just the way I am or that every guy I will ever meet thinks that I look repulsive. Even as I am writing this, I still think it’s true. OMG like I wanna believe that someone out there will like me just the way I am, but too many bad experiences have left me to think otherwise. So now I can’t even have a good time without having a negative thought constantly run through my mind. I hate it. Even those “moments” with those who shall not be named, the entire time I kept telling myself that they were only continuing because they’re drunk or whatever. It’s fun to live in the moment, but I want something meaningful too.
So I dunno I just need an Oprah moment for a better insight on life but that’s not gonna happen so I don’t know what to do. I want a boyfriend but don’t wanna get hurt or feel like I’m being lied to even when I’m not.
It’s like someone pulled an Inception on me and their thought has become a virus in my mind. Once again, I just want to be happy.
Ciao per Ora.
Monday, January 10, 2011
terrified.
scared of a mistake that shouldn't have happened. as much as i wanted to.
i wanted it to go on.
i can't blame anyone.
but i was being smart. i thought things through.
but i guess you have to suffer through some disappointments so that you don't have bigger problems in the end.
and that's what is going on now.
a problem bigger than me, bigger than anything else i know.
something i can't solve on my own.
a decision i never wanted to make.
but now...it has to be made.
i don't know what to fucking do.
i wanted it to go on.
i can't blame anyone.
but i was being smart. i thought things through.
but i guess you have to suffer through some disappointments so that you don't have bigger problems in the end.
and that's what is going on now.
a problem bigger than me, bigger than anything else i know.
something i can't solve on my own.
a decision i never wanted to make.
but now...it has to be made.
i don't know what to fucking do.
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
Saturday, January 1, 2011
meaning of a friend.
I hate my friends. I honestly kinda do.
I am the best friend, ever. I will talk to you at 3am if you need to say something, text you during class just so you aren’t bored, I will even go to the mall just so you don’t look like a loner. But if I need something, I have to rely on myself to get it done.
If I’m hurt, I have to fix myself. If I’m sad, I gotta cheer myself up. If I’m alone, I have to keep myself company. There is a line from a song that plays over and over in my mind when one of my ‘friends’ isn’t there for me
You promised you’d be there, whenever I needed you. Whenever I called your name, you’re not anywhere.
This speaks to me. I feel like this song was written just for me because it is that powerful.
In my world, when you say you’re my friend, that means you will be there for me when I need it most. No matter what. I can count all the times my friend have been there for me on one hand. But the amount of occurrences that I needed them is more than I am willing to count to. I HATE it when I am forced to sit in my room alone contemplating what I should do. I wish I could talk to someone but no one is there really.
When there is, it’s not even helpful. Whenever I tell someone something that’s happening in my life I get this 'you’re being hella dramatic', 'this isn’t important', or 'I got bigger problems than you' vibe. It makes me feel horrible because I’m there for these people who are suppose to be my friends and then when I need them…when I need them most I end up feeling worst than when I started. This is why I don’t wanna tell anyone anything because I already feel bad and I don’t need to feel any worse.
I had one person who was there whenever I needed him. I put my faith in him. Knew he would be there for me no matter what. Then, he broke my heart. He shattered it into a billion pieces. I thought I was going to die from pain. Then I told myself I didn’t need him that I could move on. Six months later, I still need him. I don’t know how to mend the relationships with the people I know now. The people that I know are selfish, cruel, and hypocritical people. Yet, they are my F R I E N D S .
The next part of my song is
I’m trying to hold on just waiting to hear your voice, one word just a word will do to end this nightmare.
One individual would help. I have one person as of this moment whom I can trust. But I am so scared to lose him; I rather not give him anything that would ruin what we have. So now there’s a void in my heart that I want him to fill, but a place in my mind that tells me it could end everything we worked for.
What should I do, what can I do? I don’t want to jump in with people just so I can try again. I cannot handle anymore pain and despair. So over it, so 2010. I want to be happy. No problems to worry about, but if I did have any, friends I can trust with my problems.
Sadly this isn’t some spur of the moment shit; I’ve felt this way for a long time. I’ve just been too scared to admit it to myself. I’d rather have shitty ass friends, than no friends at all. But now, it’s not even worth it. I am just so tired of being in emotional pain. It kills me to keep things to myself and to be truly alone. But this is definitely worth dying for.
CIAO PER ORA.
I am the best friend, ever. I will talk to you at 3am if you need to say something, text you during class just so you aren’t bored, I will even go to the mall just so you don’t look like a loner. But if I need something, I have to rely on myself to get it done.
If I’m hurt, I have to fix myself. If I’m sad, I gotta cheer myself up. If I’m alone, I have to keep myself company. There is a line from a song that plays over and over in my mind when one of my ‘friends’ isn’t there for me
You promised you’d be there, whenever I needed you. Whenever I called your name, you’re not anywhere.
This speaks to me. I feel like this song was written just for me because it is that powerful.
In my world, when you say you’re my friend, that means you will be there for me when I need it most. No matter what. I can count all the times my friend have been there for me on one hand. But the amount of occurrences that I needed them is more than I am willing to count to. I HATE it when I am forced to sit in my room alone contemplating what I should do. I wish I could talk to someone but no one is there really.
When there is, it’s not even helpful. Whenever I tell someone something that’s happening in my life I get this 'you’re being hella dramatic', 'this isn’t important', or 'I got bigger problems than you' vibe. It makes me feel horrible because I’m there for these people who are suppose to be my friends and then when I need them…when I need them most I end up feeling worst than when I started. This is why I don’t wanna tell anyone anything because I already feel bad and I don’t need to feel any worse.
I had one person who was there whenever I needed him. I put my faith in him. Knew he would be there for me no matter what. Then, he broke my heart. He shattered it into a billion pieces. I thought I was going to die from pain. Then I told myself I didn’t need him that I could move on. Six months later, I still need him. I don’t know how to mend the relationships with the people I know now. The people that I know are selfish, cruel, and hypocritical people. Yet, they are my F R I E N D S .
The next part of my song is
I’m trying to hold on just waiting to hear your voice, one word just a word will do to end this nightmare.
One individual would help. I have one person as of this moment whom I can trust. But I am so scared to lose him; I rather not give him anything that would ruin what we have. So now there’s a void in my heart that I want him to fill, but a place in my mind that tells me it could end everything we worked for.
What should I do, what can I do? I don’t want to jump in with people just so I can try again. I cannot handle anymore pain and despair. So over it, so 2010. I want to be happy. No problems to worry about, but if I did have any, friends I can trust with my problems.
Sadly this isn’t some spur of the moment shit; I’ve felt this way for a long time. I’ve just been too scared to admit it to myself. I’d rather have shitty ass friends, than no friends at all. But now, it’s not even worth it. I am just so tired of being in emotional pain. It kills me to keep things to myself and to be truly alone. But this is definitely worth dying for.
CIAO PER ORA.
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