meaning of a friend.

I hate my friends. I honestly kinda do.
I am the best friend, ever. I will talk to you at 3am if you need to say something, text you during class just so you aren’t bored, I will even go to the mall just so you don’t look like a loner. But if I need something, I have to rely on myself to get it done.
If I’m hurt, I have to fix myself. If I’m sad, I gotta cheer myself up. If I’m alone, I have to keep myself company. There is a line from a song that plays over and over in my mind when one of my ‘friends’ isn’t there for me

You promised you’d be there, whenever I needed you. Whenever I called your name, you’re not anywhere.

This speaks to me. I feel like this song was written just for me because it is that powerful.

In my world, when you say you’re my friend, that means you will be there for me when I need it most. No matter what. I can count all the times my friend have been there for me on one hand. But the amount of occurrences that I needed them is more than I am willing to count to. I HATE it when I am forced to sit in my room alone contemplating what I should do. I wish I could talk to someone but no one is there really.
When there is, it’s not even helpful. Whenever I tell someone something that’s happening in my life I get this 'you’re being hella dramatic', 'this isn’t important', or 'I got bigger problems than you' vibe. It makes me feel horrible because I’m there for these people who are suppose to be my friends and then when I need them…when I need them most I end up feeling worst than when I started. This is why I don’t wanna tell anyone anything because I already feel bad and I don’t need to feel any worse.
I had one person who was there whenever I needed him. I put my faith in him. Knew he would be there for me no matter what. Then, he broke my heart. He shattered it into a billion pieces. I thought I was going to die from pain. Then I told myself I didn’t need him that I could move on. Six months later, I still need him. I don’t know how to mend the relationships with the people I know now. The people that I know are selfish, cruel, and hypocritical people. Yet, they are my F R I E N D S .
The next part of my song is
I’m trying to hold on just waiting to hear your voice, one word just a word will do to end this nightmare.
One individual would help. I have one person as of this moment whom I can trust. But I am so scared to lose him; I rather not give him anything that would ruin what we have. So now there’s a void in my heart that I want him to fill, but a place in my mind that tells me it could end everything we worked for.

What should I do, what can I do? I don’t want to jump in with people just so I can try again. I cannot handle anymore pain and despair. So over it, so 2010. I want to be happy. No problems to worry about, but if I did have any, friends I can trust with my problems.

Sadly this isn’t some spur of the moment shit; I’ve felt this way for a long time. I’ve just been too scared to admit it to myself. I’d rather have shitty ass friends, than no friends at all. But now, it’s not even worth it. I am just so tired of being in emotional pain. It kills me to keep things to myself and to be truly alone. But this is definitely worth dying for.
CIAO PER ORA.