how do i live

If you wanna have sex, do you boo. But that’s just not my thing.

I fucking hate talking to people. Every guy I have encounter just wants to ffuucckk. That’s fine, but that’s not me. So sorry to bust your balls, but I’m not ready/going to go down on you.
I seriously rather have someone just come out and say “I wanna beat that pussy, real talk” than fucking lie to me.
Don’t get my hopes up if you’re just gonna crush them.

I don’t know if this has any relation with the “Incident” but I honestly can’t imagine having sex with anyone ever. I used to think no one would want to, but now I can’t think of anything but pain and torture when thinking of the process.

I just want a boyfriend, or something like that.

But now I am FUCKING MESSED UP. Everyday, I think of the pain I went through, can’t function, can’t trust anyone, and hate everyone. Oh my gambit I can’t function it’s ridiculous. I don’t like people grabbing me, I freak out. I don’t like whispering, I hate being alone, I hate being awake, I hate being alive. Sometimes.

I can’t trust anyone. Can’t talk to people. I want but more importantly NEED help but I don’t know how to ask for it. Can’t try and date people because I’m scared now. I’m terrified. I’m angry. I’m upset. I’m depressed.
But I can’t let anyone know.

I want to be ok…I was already fucking shitty as hell before the “Incident” but now I don’t even know how to describe it.

And I don’t know what to do. My catchphrase is “I’ll figure something out” which really means I have no fucking idea how to deal with this, but let’s hope Time does.

It just hurts me to have any amount of hope, no matter how small, and then have it scrapped away and leaving a bigger scar than what was there before. I don’t like being lied to.

So a thesis? Hmm I am terrified to have sex, I want someone to like me for just me, and I want to be happy. Still.

I JUST DON’T WANNA FEEL LIKE THIS, LIKE ME, ANYMORE.
Help me.