paradox

I KNOW THAT I PREVIOUSLY WROTE ABOUT HOW A BOYFRIEND WOULD CHANGE MY LIFE FOR THE BETTER.
But I know that somewhere in that mess of words I said “I think” so I had to know that I was in the wrong somehow.
I recently watched a video of this gay little asain dude (story of my life) saying that just because you don’t have a bf doesn’t mean that there’s something wrong with you AND that putting your faith in the idea of a bf bringing you happiness isn’t going to get you far.
I hate it when shit like that just clicks. I never realized that even if I did get a boo, that when he left, I would be miserable all over again. So automatically I’m over the idea of someone else making my life better; that’s something I gotta do for myself.
Not gonna lie though, still want a boyfriend.
And about something being wrong, I am almost ready to admit that I have self-esteem issues. I know I’m fat and won’t allow myself to think that someone will like me just the way I am or that every guy I will ever meet thinks that I look repulsive. Even as I am writing this, I still think it’s true. OMG like I wanna believe that someone out there will like me just the way I am, but too many bad experiences have left me to think otherwise. So now I can’t even have a good time without having a negative thought constantly run through my mind. I hate it. Even those “moments” with those who shall not be named, the entire time I kept telling myself that they were only continuing because they’re drunk or whatever. It’s fun to live in the moment, but I want something meaningful too.
So I dunno I just need an Oprah moment for a better insight on life but that’s not gonna happen so I don’t know what to do. I want a boyfriend but don’t wanna get hurt or feel like I’m being lied to even when I’m not.
It’s like someone pulled an Inception on me and their thought has become a virus in my mind. Once again, I just want to be happy.
Ciao per Ora.