conversation with death

so CLEARLY I'm not having the best of days. I made a big mistake yes, I can admit it. As much as it pains me to say it, it was a stupid ass act on my behalf.
and when shit like this happens there seems to be a slippery slope of relapse.
and then I just want to quit everything. There is nothing left for me here to do because I don't see myself having anything left to look forward to or aspire to.

then I had this WEIRD dream. I was dead. but I was with some people, but not ALL the people I loved. I saw the people who I knew I would never be able to see again. I then truly understood death is permanent, that once you're gone, you are GONE.
then I realized, I'm not ready to die yet. although there is a lot of stuff that just fucking sucks and it doesn't seem to be getting any better, I can't just be dead.

on that note I still am not sure what to do. I don't want to keep letting people down, but i know they might actually care for me. But am I really worth that effort?

who knows.

I used to be so pretty.
What happened?

here's the truth

I am addicted to “social networking sites”

like legitimately. if there was a site, I had an account. 

they weren't for dating, just for talking. #swear. but I met the most horrid people on some of them. and I would always think “seriously? this is how you meet people?” and the methods they used had to work on someone otherwise they wouldn't approach me in such a way. ugh they were just nasty. blehck 

but I did meet this one guy *swoon* he was a m a z i n g . (long story short: I actually started liking him so I stop talking to him b/c even I’m not that crazy) but this fucking show Catfish got me thinking what if he wasn't who he said he was. I mean maybe I’m just biased but I really do believe he was…to an extent.

but Catfish inspired me to delete ALL my accounts. they are all gone. boom. 
but now I don’t know what to fucking do!!!! like I guess I never realized how much time I invested into that shit but damn, must’ve been a lot because I am bored. 

that and I honestly don't know what to fucking do with myself

in pursuit of happiness

I haven't wrote anything in a while because...well I don't know, nothing has really stood out in a while. I mean I have had a LOT of shit days/weeks but I dunno they seem routine at this point. like almost as if I have a quota I must fill...like I can't move on, almost like I don't want to?

that's what I wanted to talk about today, like how can I get to happiness because lately that destination is getting more unclear each day. 

I know that the worst days I have are the ones when I lose ALL hope and I basically don't even feel emotions at that point; I become the living dead. It fucking sucks too because I have to pretend to be okay to avoid people constantly pestering me about problems that I don't want them to know because they just wouldn't know how to help. 

The only idea that I have that I think would help me feel better would be to have a boyfriend
hold up girl didn't you write about not relying on someone for emotional support and stability?
yeeeeeeesss i know I have but damn gina EVERYONE around me is dating, in serious relationships, married....it's fucking sickening. I can't stand it, it is seriously driving me fucking INSANE and now I think I am ready and just want it sooo bad. It sound pathetic I know but I can't even explain why this is the only option I have come up with. 

I think it might because most of problems comes down to me not valuing myself and thinking that no one else will either, so if there was just one person who I could trust in and believe that I actually had self-worth, then so many other possibilities would be within my grasp. 

yea, happiness. it's all I can dream about lately. 

when you believe

Oh shit I'm shocked to be writing this but whatever 
so I got this problem. I don't believe people when they say things. Just the good stuff, if someone said something bad about me I tend to believe it. Unless my sisters say it, I don't give a fuck because I don't like them.

But i met this kidd. He is AMAZING. Simply put, he is a southern gentleman, prince charming, modern Romeo mixed into this perfect shell of a man. Honestly I love him for it. But he gets frustrated with me because whenever he says something nice about me, I always doubt him for it. Normally I wouldn't care but I can sense his sadness when I tell him I don't believe him. He's never done anything to me that would cause me to not trust him, yet I don't. That is a pain I don't know how to get rid of; an outside source caused by my own disbelief. 

It reminds me of that part from John Mayer's "Daughters" that goes "now she's left cleaning up the mess he made". Because I didn't make me this broken. I am the product of many people breaking me down and now I gotta find a way to make it all better. Most likely I won't and just continue to go thru Hell.

you can't win

There are things that you really want in life; sometimes you might even need those things. Nothing is just handed to you; you either gotta earn it or work hard for it.I know there were things I wanted SOO bad but had to work for. Mainly because I knew that in the end I could look back and think “it was all worth it”.I was reminded that all the progress I will ever make will never be enough. It’s like how a drug addict who has gone clean will always be a drug addict because they have to constantly think about NOT going back. That’s where I’m at. But it’s slightly differently. I have to constantly remember not to fall behind or else I’ll get lost. However, my “counterpart” doesn’t have anything to do. HE gets to live life as he pleases, as if nothing ever happened; I’m the one who has to pay the price and suffer. Ya know what? I just can’t do it anymore. Maybe it hasn’t really been a long time, but it’s been long enough. Definitely long enough for SO MUCH SHIT to happen that just makes everything worse. I’ve tried so hard…..so f u c k i n g hard. But it is never going to be enough, I see that now, I really do. So I quit. I fucking quit. I’m done. I can’t do this is anymore. This is my farewell message because I see now that I can’t win. I can only escape for so long but I will always come back this torment and misery. Fuck it.

half alive

The previous post was mainly just to get in a thought for the month of February. Then I was intrigued by the whole "leap year" thing and doing things in the spur of the moment all that carpe diem shit, but lately I just don't see the point anyone.  

There are times when I feel like I'm getting worse, but in fact I'm A LOT better, just a lot lonelier. So it's kinda like a half and half thing, in some ways I'm better but in some ways I'm worse. In the areas that I've tried to improve, I haven't. But I'm not sure what else I can do. It's not like I'm sitting around all wishful thinking I have tried to figure things out. But I have made no progress in doing so. So now I don't know what else there is to and that's what is bothering me

A friend once asked me "what is the reason you get up in morning?" what is your motivation. Why do you do the things you do? 

I have no fucking idea. 

And I ask myself that question everyday because part of me has given up and doesn't see the point in all this bullshit I have to deal with. I don't see a future for, there's nothing that I can look forward to in life, I just don't know what I’m doing here anymore. 

No Doubt I understand that life is precious, there are some fighting to survive, wishing they had more time, some who ran out way too soon. I get that, but my needs aren’t selfish like that. When you have to live with my problems, you wouldn’t want to be here either, you know nothing of hell. This is something someone should have to suffer through, this just isn’t fucking fair.

But then there's another part, a stronger part that forces me to keep going. That’s what I want to know, why am I still running?

Why am I dying to live if I’m just living to die?

I guess I just keep going then until...oh idk