here's the truth

I am addicted to “social networking sites”

like legitimately. if there was a site, I had an account. 

they weren't for dating, just for talking. #swear. but I met the most horrid people on some of them. and I would always think “seriously? this is how you meet people?” and the methods they used had to work on someone otherwise they wouldn't approach me in such a way. ugh they were just nasty. blehck 

but I did meet this one guy *swoon* he was a m a z i n g . (long story short: I actually started liking him so I stop talking to him b/c even I’m not that crazy) but this fucking show Catfish got me thinking what if he wasn't who he said he was. I mean maybe I’m just biased but I really do believe he was…to an extent.

but Catfish inspired me to delete ALL my accounts. they are all gone. boom. 
but now I don’t know what to fucking do!!!! like I guess I never realized how much time I invested into that shit but damn, must’ve been a lot because I am bored. 

that and I honestly don't know what to fucking do with myself

in pursuit of happiness

I haven't wrote anything in a while because...well I don't know, nothing has really stood out in a while. I mean I have had a LOT of shit days/weeks but I dunno they seem routine at this point. like almost as if I have a quota I must fill...like I can't move on, almost like I don't want to?

that's what I wanted to talk about today, like how can I get to happiness because lately that destination is getting more unclear each day. 

I know that the worst days I have are the ones when I lose ALL hope and I basically don't even feel emotions at that point; I become the living dead. It fucking sucks too because I have to pretend to be okay to avoid people constantly pestering me about problems that I don't want them to know because they just wouldn't know how to help. 

The only idea that I have that I think would help me feel better would be to have a boyfriend
hold up girl didn't you write about not relying on someone for emotional support and stability?
yeeeeeeesss i know I have but damn gina EVERYONE around me is dating, in serious relationships, married....it's fucking sickening. I can't stand it, it is seriously driving me fucking INSANE and now I think I am ready and just want it sooo bad. It sound pathetic I know but I can't even explain why this is the only option I have come up with. 

I think it might because most of problems comes down to me not valuing myself and thinking that no one else will either, so if there was just one person who I could trust in and believe that I actually had self-worth, then so many other possibilities would be within my grasp. 

yea, happiness. it's all I can dream about lately.