Probably the most life changing month of my life [excluding the month I spent developing into a person]. A LOT had happened this month; some good, mostly bad. Either way, I’m grateful that it happened. Why? Because if it didn’t, I probably wouldn’t be here typing this right now.
There are five major characters in my life who have contributed to this month being what it is. Being that this is a really important message, I will actually use names: Jon, Megan, Mikey, Andre, and Brandon. I’m not saying that all of these people have been a positive influence, but they definitely have made me the different person that I am today
Jon and Andre:
Jon was the first person I told. Instead of embracing it like I wanted him to, he kinda shrugged it off with a “That’s a lot”. At that time I was still in the “it was my fault too” stage. We never really talked about it and I actually hadn’t accepted it.
Andre found out, but that was completely my fault. But Andre acted like I just told him my pet goldfish died [God please do no harm to Vodka] and we NEVER even mentioned it again.
To both of these guys, I am very angry. I desperately needed someone to talk to and they are my closest friends. They weren't there. I felt alone and scared.
Just because they didn't talk about it, doesn’t mean it didn’t happen.
Andre has been focusing his attention on someone specific and really, he’s gonna lose his friends slowly unless he knows how to juggle his free time. Jon kept getting mad at me because I was unable to trust anyone and I kept taking my anger out on him when it should have been directed towards someone else. It really wasn’t a good situation.But to both of them, they were of no help at all. Now that I’m thinking of it, they’ve made this experience worst. I wish they never would have found out, who knows, maybe I would have been better. I understand my predicament was a lot to handle, but it’s certainly not something to not let me express freely.
I’ve noticed that when something bad happens to me, I just shrug it off and act like it never happened. THIS HAPPENED, this was real, this was something that couldn’t be ignored, and this had to get handled. That fucking “Jar of Hearts” song was no help either. It was like a soundtrack to my dying soul. When she said “I’ve learn to live half alive” I knew this song was about something more than a simple heartbreak. I was living like that for the longest; exuberant as ever at school and with my friends, but emotionally dying, mentally fucked up, and crying myself to sleep every night. I needed help, and I wasn’t getting any from my ‘friends’.
Megan and Mikey:
Megan, being the bitch that she is, NEVER sugar-coated anything. The moment I told her what happened, she laid it out and defined the four-letter word that I had been avoiding for so long. She told me what I needed to do and offered anything else I would need from her, and she was in Mississippi at the time. It wasn’t till she came back home shit actually got real. She is a main contributor to my success today. I can’t thank her enough in words really. She is the reason I am alive.
Mikey, in a way I’m glad he found out last, but I also wish he knew first. Everyone who already knew wasn’t helping me out so I didn’t see the point in telling anyone else. When he found out, he automatically understood the severity of the problem. No bullshit, he knew that I needed help. I remember him saying “I can’t imagine what you’ve been through physically, mentally, and emotionally”. At that time I knew no one who hasn’t been in my shoes would know where I was coming from. It is traumatizing experience that no one could possibly ever imagine. That was when I realized that if I wanted help, I was going to have to make the biggest move: accept what happen. Stop denying the situation, stop blaming myself, stop the bullshitting. It was real and it really happened. But I don’t have to live in that memory forever; I still had a live to live. Mikey got me to see the light that I had put out from the beginning.
Brandon:
Brandon taught me to trust again. I hated everyone I knew. I was angry that no one could understand what I was going through, the people who saw me at my lowest (Andre really) and still couldn’t and didn’t help me. I did not want to be alive. But Brandon said some nice things that got me to smile again.
“When I see you smile, it makes me happy”
“I wish you get these bangs out your face so I could see your cute face”
“I like to see you happy”
“There’s just something about you…”
“We don’t have to do anything if you don’t want to”
He was kind caring and understanding. But most importantly, he didn’t hurt me; physically or emotionally. In his arms I felt safe. With him, I was the happiest I had been in a long time. With him, I was…happy something I had forgotten how to be. To know that that feeling is obtainable has given me so much hope.However, for some reason he no longer talks to me. Was he looking for a sex time, and quit when he figured it wasn’t going to be me? I want to say yes, but the conversation we had prior to our second evening together wouldn’t have made any sense. Was he just playing me, using me to get his ego up, using me to get back at an ex? Possibly. Did I scare him away with my crazy baggage? Most likely. I don’t blame him. I put that boy through a lot of shit he did not deserve. Either way I’m glad that he came into my life when he did because it got me to see that not every body is evil, there are some guys out there who will like me for me. I just wish they would roll around more often.
So there it is February in a nutshell. I am so happy that I made it this far. To know what I know and to have experience it all was something I didn’t want to do but now that I see how all the events link together, I understand that it had to happen.
I see things differently now and I understand how I work.
Maybe it was fate this happened in the beginning of the year. I know the rest of this year will be extremely better.
Thanks to everyone, I feel alive again.
Happy face.
ciao per ora
