I'm going to learn to live->
*life to the fullest.
A N D
*without you.

I'm so sick

hold on [to your love]

they [whoever the fuck 'they' is] say if you love something then to let it go and if it loves you in return, it will come back to you

grab a shovel bitches cuz we's about to dig into this

if you truly love something, why would you want to let it go? i don't understand like i really don't. to love is to show affection that cannot be described in words. and then you just wanna let it go? idon'tunderstand.

it really should be if it's hurting you, then let it go lots of people hang on to people or memories than are adding pain to their lives. someone who was really awesome when you first met but now takes you of advantage, the first love of your life, and old record your mother use to play when you were a child. shit like that hurts. you keep hanging on because at the time, it was bliss. but now it's not it's a tragedy.

so i know where I'm coming from with this, but to everyone : it's time to let go.
everyone has something, and no one has nothing. but if you cling to the things that are no longer true, you will be left with nothing

will you be there

idenpedency
the act of being indenpendent; to fend for yourself and not have to rely on anyone to get anything done

this is what i try to be
this is what the people who gave birth to me don't want to become

not pissed
fuckin in pain

[pause.]

tired of being sorry [reprise]

i'm sorry i'm not immature enough to hold a grudge with you

i'm sorry i can't provide the attention you desperately need


i'm sorry i share minutes and refuse to pick up the phone before nine


i'm sorry i'm NOT attracted to you

i'm sorry i'm not the daughter/sister you want

i'm sorry i'm incapable of having girl friends

i'm sorry my boobs are too big

i'm sorry i'm fat

i'm sorry i refuse to be called stupid

i'm sorry for not acting like your little bitch

i'm sorry that i was right about that boy

i'm sorry that i wouldn't take the fall for you

i'm sorry i did take the fall for you

i'm sorry for lying to you, when i never wanted to hurt you

i'm sorry for thinking that we were going to be together forever

i'm sorry for crying tears like they could bring you back

i'm sorry for not saying what i meant to say

i'm sorry for so many things

but i'm really sorry i'm better than you

My mom said i should quit driving because i'm not ready.

My dad said i should change my major because i can't do it.

nice to live in a world where people believe in you.

take time to tell me you really care and we'll spend tomorrow together i'll always love you. forever.

this woman's work

I Should Be Crying But I Just Can't Let It Show

I Should Hoping But I Can't Thinking

All The Things We Should've Said That I Never Said

All The Things We Should Have Done That We Never Did

All The Things We Should've Given But I Didn't

this song is too fuckin deep
like on the real [what a great way to come back am i right?]
all the things we should have done that we never did
that single line, man that's a line
i dunno i think it's time for ANOTHER change
something that will make me more bold than the primary colors

we'll see what happens

just fuckin tell me already

i wanna know where he went
not like spiritually
but i want to know where my friend went and why he could tell me. and not just me anyone
i fell like i need to know like someone happened like he needs someone
but i know if he does need someone i cant be me
yeaaaa

i'm still feeling ill so i think i'll try to sleep.

everything i do [i do for you]

i could do anything
i could do EVERYTHING
but it will never. be. enough.

i could yell my frustration
but he wouldn't know i was mad

i could talk tell him my life story
but he wouldn't know anything about me

i could make him listen to me
doesn't mean that he'll understand

i could tell him that i love him
but he'll never know the way he makes me feel

i could forgive him for what he did
but it would never take the pain away

i could go away to leave my problems behind
but it will never be far enough

i could write my heart out
but there aren't enough words in the world to express mine

i could ignore the past and forget what happened
but the past is permanent, and will come back to you

i could tell him i miss him
but that won't make him come back

we could apologize to each other
doesn't mean we have to accept it

he could tell everything that i don't already do, everything i do, what was right, what was wrong, what kept us together, what tore us apart, why he is who he is and why i am who i am, he could tell me anything he could, he hate me, miss me, love me, want to kill me who knows
he can do whatever he wants
but it will never be enough

i don't know what else to do or if there is anything else i can do
butitwillnevermotherfuckinggoddamnmatter.
nothing matters, but every fucking little thing does

there are other people in the world.

[Final Track] Last Words

it's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right, I hope you had the time of your life

Track 11 - Drive Slow Homie

driving is retarded

today i was with my sister and then she literally out of nowhere said 'she can't drive' and she was talking about me then her friend said 'SHE CAN'T DRIVE!?!' like i have some kind of disease or something i just simply replied 'i can drive' then they just ignored me

wtf. what the fuck
when you are my age [18] and don't have a license you automatically become the cripple of your social circle. people treat you differently, they have different conversations, they tell different jokes and all these things end with 'oh you wouldn't get it'
i remember once someone asked does anyone know how to get to such and such place and i said i do and was beginning to tell then they cut me off and said oh wait you don't drive you don't know how to get there and began to ask a driver. the driver didn't even know and so they decided that no one knew. that was wrong soooo wrong oh and bee.tea.dub.

driving doesn't make you cool, it's makes you a tool.

ok? i have many many many friends who's 'friends' only hang out with them just for the car. that is soooo shady. and if there was any driving disease it would be in the drivers because they are the ones who don't even fucking notice that they are being used.

my mom told me that she was proud of me that i was learning how to drive because it's the best thing a young person can do and it's allows you to be independent

bullfuckingshit

when i didn't drive i
-had a job [paid for my SISTER'S gas so SHE could driiiive]

-enrolled in college BY MYSELF

-completed senior year with no assistance

-finished my first year of college with OUTSTANDING academic achievement

-went on my own [w/ friends too] to actually get my permit

that last one i had to do because my parents would say that i needed to learn to drive but would never that the time out for the effort

but now it's 'too late'

but whatever no one sees that

and no one will ever see that

because i can't drive. so i have no voice =/

Track 10 - For Once In My Life

for once i can touch what my heart use to dream of

long before i knew

someone warm like you

would make my dreams come true

for once in my life i won't sorrow hurt me

not like it hurt me before

for once, i have something i know won't desert

i'm not alone anymore

for once, i can say, this is mine you can't take it

as long as i know i have love i can make it

for once in my life, i have someone who needs me

<3

nice song stevie looooove it

but apparently i dont feel like this anymore

Track 09 - You Might Win Some But You Just Lost One

i think we are done now


cuz i wooon [yes this whole time it was a competition]

not really but feelings, feelings, what are my feelings.

hmmm
i don't have any really
oh because when i was reading Naomi and Ely's No Kiss List, at the end Ely realized that no matter what kind of relationship, it would not be easy to keep up, maintain, stabilized, whatever. no one said it would ever be easy but people want it to be, they just wanna have fun with whoever they love and have happiness forever. but that's NOT how it is. everything great in this world had some work involved. you just don't dig up diamonds, they must be formed in the earth's crust for years, then mined, harvested, picked for the best selection, cut, placed perfectly into the jewel of your choice. but is it worth it? yes. they say a diamond last forever, so can a friend. i have to admit when Ely realized that staying close is hard, i did too. so i knew in order to be friends again it couldn't just be an overnight process it would take time to rebuild what we had. i know. he doesn't. so when he just QUIT like that it was disappointing. so i figured he just doesn't care, because people who care try and NEVER give up. I'm not about to go down like my bitch 'friends' and say oh it's done. because i know it's not. i have yet to find out why but he does not give a flying fuck

so my prize exactly?

knowledge.

Track 08 - I'll Cover You [Reprise]

Before anything we were and at some point will be friends. Remember that.

Track 07 - the fight of love

we've been fighting in this battlefield for a while now. no one has been brave enough to declare this war. but now, it's too late. we both lost because we were too proud to surrender. the brave souls that were lost to this event never stood a chance on either side. and now what do we have to show for this? n o t h i n g . just sad souls and empty hearts

hearts that never had the chance to love =]

[BONUS TRACK] DON'T BE SUCH A FUCKIN BITCH

gosh.

Track 06 - the boy is mine

amber this one is for you
don't be mad

me and her like[d] the same dood.
i said that either we both DON'T or one of us DO

she seemed more interested so in a way i 'let him go'
now i'm wondering whyyy did i like him
oh i can tell you why
1. he's too fucking nice
2. he gets me
3. he listens
4. he gives shitty advice that i don't listen to but appreciate the effort
5. he never said no
6. he always texted back

so now that i look back i notice two things- he never forgot about me and he was always there.
if perfect did exist, it would be him
[that was beautiful]
but i don't want to feel like i should try and get something i know i can't
so i quit
but now my other friend has the same qualities, but i worry that i like him too or even worst

he might like me too

there is NOTHING worst than the awkwardness of two people who like each other but don't date

well there's worst but you get what i'm puttin down

but that's it for now

let's see what happens

Track 05 - make up your mind

just so we are clear, i know i'm right


to follow up on the last entry, those unsaid comments are what caused my break up with my friend. by not saying what WE needed to say, we never got each other.
now that's all i want to do ask him my questions and get some answers i feel like i deserve them

but that ain't gonna happen.

because i have been beaten to it
there are conversations that occur. i want to know what these include. i need to know

in my mind i have the perfect breakdown prepared, but in my mind i already know it won't work , so in my heart, i'm devastated and confused. slash that. i'm really not. i'm mad.

yeah

mad.

mad because now i am seen as the heartless one all over again-mad because it's always something i bring up-mad because i hate it when it's the only thing people can talk about-mad because i want them to bring it up so i can prove over and over and over and over how i was the victim and not the culprit-mad because it kills me about how much time i waste on this

most of all i'm mad because i haven't done anything to end/solve/fix/forget about it

but i tried!
i'm =] to say that.

but until then i'm still at the point where i don't know what i want and what i think i want is what i really need

w.t.f.

Track 04 - flashback who's back

i was reading fmylife.com [a sad hobby of mine] when i came across this

Today, I over drafted my account, and I ended up paying an extra 35 bucks for a 1.99 item. It was an application on the iPhone that is suppose to help me keep track of my money. FML

this actually has nothing to do with me

it's just the memory that it brought back for me

it's so weird too because there's nothing linking my memory and this story together.

it was just instant

but here's what happened:

once upon a time, fall semester, my friend and i decided to go to the mall together. he had been defeating some financial issues and i told him not to spend so much money. with that being said, he spent a rather large amount on clothes for no special reason. then we went to another store to but essentials for life. we went to pay and he had over drafted his account by 3 dollars [or something like that] and so we had to handle it. in my mind i keep saying 'i told you so' and i think he knew i was thinking the same. therefore nothing went on said.

months later, he had over drafted SUPER times and had a total of more than 200 dollars worth of charges. again i thought 'how could he be so dumb' but never said it to him. just offered my time and support or anything else he might need.

i dunno

just something i remembered.

more to come next time

Track 03 - when i look in your eyes

i don't see mine

every time i see him [x3] i just get filled with all this anger
from litterally nowhere
it's sad honestly

but i don't know what to do anymore so yea
until then

i'll be mad and confused

even now i'm stuck
oh bother

Track 02 - K.I.S.S. [keep it simple stupid]

i think i think so outside the box, i forget about simplicity

i was talking to my friend about this dude i am currently interested in and i asked for some advice about telling him how i feel

he said that i should go ahead and tell him

then i went into this rant about what happens if he doesn't feel the same and i just went on and on and on about the possibilites of what could happen then he stopped me and said

'then he says no.'

i dont know why, but until then, it never made more sense.

that's it. just no.

no big scene, no tragic ending, no complicated plot.

just no.

so with that said im still probably not going to confess my feelings

BUT i do feel more motivated. like i now i think i wouldn't mind

before there was 0% chance i would do it

now, thanks to my greastest fella, there's a 74%

which is good right?

Track 01 - who am i?

im 18
thats my story and im stickin with it

im 18 years young and i'm not allowed to leave the house
during summer vaycay
i will admit i didnt pull the best grades last semiester [3 A's and 1 C] but they [parents...or anyone in my house] don't know that

they don't know anything about me

they don't know that i'm INFURIATED about how karrin got a laptop for school and i didnt [not because im jealous, but because it was her grad gift and my mother ruined my graduation]
they don't know that i HATE my school and i now i can do better [because i did]
they don't know that all day they imply im stupid and i don't know anything [they also don't know that really hurts]
they don't realize how they won't let me drive now. at one point it was there fault, then mine, but now it's them again
they don't notice they need me. i am essential to this house. i keep it running at the end of the day
they don't see how i need space to live and learn, not stay here

i wanna liiiiiiive

i can't go out more than once a week, i'm not allowed to talk on the phone between 11pm and 8am, i cannot litterally stand right outside my house at 11pm and talk with my friends
-and that's also during summer vaycay

I'M SUPPOSE TO GET A JOB BUT IT CAN'T BE FURTHER THAN 10 MILES OF MY HOUSE W.T.F.

they want me to grow up within what they see fit

i know it's because i can't drive, or i didn't get and ELC number, or because i don't show emotion, or made mistakes in the past

i know my parents are dissapointed in me. they don't like me. and i know it.
i really honestly know it.

other times living on the street would be more enjoyable than here
but im to much of a bitch to do it

but one step at a time kristina. this life isn't one that should belong to me. i am a different person than who my parents think i am. or who they made compare me to

im kristina rene motha fuckin west
purple queen bee
the DeeVha
ex best friend of many many people
the ex Karen to my ex Jack
the ex Grace to my ex Will
future trophy wife
the next broadway star
future award winning OB/GYN
a bitch
a friend

me.

parents just don't understand

so today i wasn suppose to go to megan's house
there were som technical difficulties but that's ok we figured them out
me and karrin cleaned the ENTIRE house today as well [its really clean like no joke]
so then i just had to ask my Dad if i could go

Me: can i go to game night?
Dad: is it across the street?
M: no it's at megan's
D: werent you there already this week or last week?
M: maybe...
D: naw you cant go
M: bye.

i still didnt understand like i was and i still am HELLA PISSED so i decided to talk to my sister Kim

Me: daddy said i couldnt go to megan's house
Kim: why?
M: because i was there on Monday
K: oh that makes sense
M: how does that make sense
K: well as a parent you should understand that you dont need to be there all the time
M: well wtf am i doin here that's so important
K: nothing...
M: that's what i thought

so here's why i am mad
-i had no REAL reason for not being able to go it was just he didnt want me to go
-im not doing anything here. im on my fuckin summer vaycay and not doing anything because my parents wont let me [just me, not karrin]
-this has happened before like im only allowed to do one event every two weeks but that was when school was in session so that made lightweight more sense
-IM EIGHTEEN FUCKING YEARS OLD I CAN MAKE MY OWN DECISIONS
-i just have to go back to the fact that i did absolutely nothing like there's nothing to do i am so ANTIproductive it's not even funny
-im also mad because of people's bitchassness but thats another day another blog

so yea as i sit here in my house with nothing to do but stare at walls all day i cant help but notice that a whole month has gone by and i have nothing to so credit for it

O.M.G.F.M.L.

so amazing

it's so amazing how a song can make you feel
it can make you feel better about yourself like you are actually a part of it
like it was written just for you, like elton john sat down and said 'i feel the love tonight and i know jordan will too.' or when celine dion sang the words 'it's all coming back to me' she knew what was coming back from her past and she knew that feeling was universal. it was something complicated but made sense when put into song

i guess that's how i fell right now too
complicated.
right now i see life as not that important
i know life is too short to watse time, but what is our time? how do we know when we will die and leave this earth? or better yet die on the inside and left here to sit around and watch what else is going on

i've died on the inside
i've given up

on what exactly? i would have to say everything
i don't get excited like i used to. because if, and most likely when, something goes wrong, i won't feel let down.

i've officially taught myself not to feel

.....

kinda emo sounding right now really
but i don't know what the fuck else to do
when i try to see my future, i see a vast abyss staring at me cold.
there's nothing in the future waiting for me
just things in the past that i've missed
and now i'm in the future
just waiting

that's the way love goes

wrote this back in 9th grade
found it
like it
even tho it sucks =]

my dearest friend, how could you do something like that?
you stole his heart and never gave it back
every night you're on his mind and he can't sleep
while you're thinking of someone else resting with peace
he wonders why you never felt the same way he felt for you
you got his mind runnin all day long
singin the same love song
knowing something's wrong
because the greatest thing he ever had is now gone
i guess you could be right
he just wasn't the one for your life
but why don't you tell him how you feel
to him he thought it was something real
but you know what?
it wasn't meant to be
there was nothing in between
no sweet love scene
no flirtatious laughter
no happily ever after
for you it is truly the end
and you two barely remain friends
for in this matter in really does show
that that's the way love goes

say what you mean to say

so today my mom came home bitchin as usual and she went up to karrin's room to tell her to wake up
karrin was like i have a headache [she really didnt she just wanted to nap]
so then my mom comes back yellin 'i have a headache too with all the bullshit i have to deal with]

hold up wait a minute

care to elaborate on that mother
what bullshit
the fact that you leave everyday at 7am, dont even bother to tell anyone where you are at, and then come back when you feel like it?
or it could be that you contribute NOTHING to this household. not even fucking dish soap
or maybe since you DON'T HAVE A JOB and you're on 'disability'
oh no wait it must be you are going on TWO vacations this summer and didnt even bother to tell your family until the arrangements were made
oh you know what its gotta be the your 'secret' affair-yup that's it

so yea mom your life is just so gosh darn difficult

mama said there be days like this

so as summer vacation rolls along i still have nothing to do.
oh bother
and i'm not having the best of days either. it's like im here getting in trouble and that's all i can do
i know i don't want to be back in school i despise that place
i much rather do nothing...but when i want to
not when my mother says to me 'you have to listen to me, or you know what you have to do.'

the bitch

but whatever

-cut to me listening to 'i'll be in the skyyy'-

she works hard for the money

i wake in the mornin with a big smile on my face =]
no plans today but my mother asks me if i did i said no
then my father tells me that me and my sister have to clean out the fridge but the he says that karrin doesnt have to anymore she has to water the grass
grrrr
then mariah calls and invites me to a picnic and i HELLA was trying to go but my mom said that i couldnt because it was a 'family holiday'
so i never went ='[
then karrin left for work =\
so then kim came home from camping [may i remind you she hella left without doing any of her chores. she just bounced]
so she comes home and my dad says me and her have to fold clothes
but kim said she cant because she is going to a bbq
so now im mad because not only is she getting out of work AGAIN but she also gets to leave
eventually she did fold clothes TOOK HER FOREVER THO and she had to clean the kitchen even though she tried to get out of that too...

bottom line is i hate having to do all the work and still be called the lazy one around here
it's just not fair

what's going on

eeeey
it's been a while
so
yea

me and darkness are friends again, and i have to say, it's pretty nice
I"M OUT OF SCHOOL finally
even though my parents don't believe me w h a t e v e r

yesterday was so dramatic kinda not really
i was just sad because i was unable to celebrate my friend's 18th it was just bullshit
but the night prior to that i told jon that all brandon wanted for his bday was a hug and much to my surprise he said yes
i went over the plans with brandon and then he said that i, kristina, had to hug jon instead...
the little fuck
so then i kinda told jon
and then we decided to make it purple day [just like old times] and he said yes to that too
so then i wake up late and had to tell everyone what's going on
jon said he would wait
now it's just getting weird
so after like DAYS i get to school but can only stay for a whooping 15 minutes
so i tell him this and he said he'll be there asap
and he was he RAN so that got me thinkin...good thoughts now [oh and he was wearing his purple shirt =]]
so we did our epic hug and then i had to leave RIGHT AFTER
so i'm hella heated on the way home
like super to the maxx

then i get a text from jon
and now i know he officially wants answers...i don't want to jump to conclusions and say he wants to be friends but so right now the future for us is looking a hell of a lot brighter

but i still have to ask myself
why do i want to be his friend?
i shouldnt even have to ask that i should just be happy that we are kinda talking again
but will it really be all worth it? all we did was fight and what's going to happen now? just forget? bring it back up 24 sev?
i don't know...

all i can do now is wait and hope

i hate ____ so much right now

so
i was going to talk to ___ because for a quick second i was actually concerned about his well being
and i asked _____ to like set it up
but then last minute he said no

then i was infuriated
but i didnt tell anyone because for once i wanted to figure out something on my own
so
i just got hella
like always
but didnt know whyyyy

so yesterday i stayed at home all day did nothing talked to no one
but was still mad
i think i was mad at _____ is because i feel like he backstabbed me [oh that's never happened before =/]
so yea
i dont know what to do anymore
so i'll just sit here and wait for something to happen
even if it's bad
which that i most likely gonna happen

mad

i know im mad about what i heard
but i dont know if i should anything about it

i know i want to know why he thinks that way
but he still doesnt care about how or what i think
so really i'm just back where i started

except for now, i know he doesnt like me

OH AND FOR THE RECORD
I don't hate him
[but he seems to think that]

postin from the phone

check yourself before you wreck yourself

so
today i decided to skip death and dying today and just go home
so as i was going home, i noticed that my ex best friend was going home too
so i thought 'hey why not?'
and we decided to do lunch together
so then we were talking about everything we missed [from novemberish to yesterday] and we missed out on A LOT
but anyway
somehow we got on the infamous subject of Jon and Artimis told me that he said
"she makes everything about her"
OH NO THE FUCK HE DIDN'T
since when did i
first of all
all the hours i wasted trying to fix our 'friendship'
then the cousulting on whether i was wrong or not
and how i was always there for him even tho i knew there wasnt a shouler i could cry on in return
BUT IM THE ONE WHO WAS SELF CENTERED??
oh fuck no
and he is also going around tellin people like im the worst person in the world
ok like how i never texted him back for one of his whack ass examples
so one most of the text he sent me went to the wrong damn number
and yea the others times i chose not too
but there is no way in hell i could ever catch up with all the unreturned calls, voicemails, and text i left him
so he really does need to shut the fuck up

the only real reason why im mad is because i was SOOO over that crap like
i didnt care
im kinda working on being friends with aaron and now artimis too
and they seem to want to work it out to
but jon
no
he STILL needs to realize that everything doenst work in his favor

so the question is
what do i do now
hmm
i kinda just want to yell at him
but then i dont want to be mad for the rest of the day ya know?

but we'll see
i got my people, and they have my back
so we'll just see

girls just wanna have fun

ok
so
last night me and my friends megan hella came up with the genius plan for me to be able to go to club 21 with my people
so the plan actually worked and i was able to go to the club
so let me tell you how that went down:
we were at megan's house getting ready to leave but we missed the 1020 train so we had an half an hour to leave
but we were STILL running late lol
but eventually we made the train
so we get on and this creeper is talkin to us and we were like wtf do you want?
so we get off at 23rd and the creeper does to
but he walked the other way [luckily]
so we walk there and then just before we have to turn on the street there are these 3 girls and one of then was HELLA drunk. they wanted to go somewhere but didnt know where they wanted us to take them to Empire which was hella the other way we were going but the drunk one was like 'i just turned 19 and i want to go where some lesbians are going to be all up on me' [everyone was think well we ARE going to a gay club] so then i told her happy birthday then we was like 'THANK YOU' and gave me a hug [even tho i was going for a handshake lmao] but from the breathe off of her i think i down half a shot
so we get there
HELLA LONG ASS LINE
but it wasnt like a long wait
so while we are waiting in line i noticed hella ppl were wearing pjs and i was like 'thats hella tacky wearing pjs to a club' and then some one said it was a pajamas night
oh.
so we get in and didnt know where to go
then i saw i purple room with hot guys in briefs dancing on bars
i said we are going in there
so we laugh, danced, grinded
saw so many ppl i knew
so we are doing nothing and then it was a drag show so we watched
the bitch was fierce haha
then we go out in the lounge and mikey says jon is here
i thought he was lying
but he wasnt
AND FOR SOME ODD RETARDED REASON i thought it would be a good idea for me to say hi
so i did took notice he was drunk and then i became filled with rage
he said he had to pee and he promised to call me back
fuck the bitch
so im mad now then alex says we have to ruin his night
i said fuck his night im worried about mine
so we dance some more
i saw another friend who was drunk as fuck
and he tried saying his friend was drunk when he really wasnt haha
and then i walk around and i saw the last person i wouls expect to see there: aaron
i was WTF
we had our awkward hug followed by our awkward conversation
it was beyond weird

then the drag queen walks up to us and i said SIGN MY BOOB but she she said no =[ but then she gave me a CD =]

after a while we ran into her and took a picture with her

LOVED IT

so then i sit down again
and jon pops out and starts talking to me and i told alex not to talk to him
but jon was still talkin so i left and he continued to talk to alex, kim, and amber
so that was like
wtf
so we are like lets get our last dance and head home before the drunks do
so we leave from 21st and we have to make it to P street
but we were being fatasses and decided to go to 16th and get food from safeway
so we did but these ppl were following us the whole time talking about waffles [wtf]
then we leave and another creeper followed us but he left after a while
we made it home even tho alex and kim were like 5 blocks behind most of the time haha
but we got home changed put nemo on and passed the fuck out haha

so it was a fun night
i wish i never saw jon that was like grrr
i could handle aaron that's different
but still i will have more experiences

so till then
CLUB 21 WAS THE SHIT
=]

Shadowland

this is me talking about nothing:

today was so fucking long like omg
you don't even know
and now i don't ever want to go to school
but it's too easy like
i wont drop out simply because its easy enough for me to do everything last minute and still pull A's
that's kinda sad
so
just gotta hang in there

i hate this phone SO much
i want my purple phone back 8[

i hate pretending nothing is wrong until someone says there's something wrong and then you still have to pretend

i feel an emotional breakdown approaching
and I'm like
fuck that shit
i just don't want to
for some reason

uuuuuuhhhhh
people need to stop thinking that the world revolves around them
like, it's acceptable to a certain point
like when you take it seriously, that's when it needs to stop

but other than that


life is retarded
makes you wonder what the fuck we are doing here

[so testosterone boys and harlequin girls]

is it possible to be shallow AND self conscience?
does it make sense to think you are unattractive but at the same time judge someone else looks?

i know it's not
i see it every day
but i don't understand whyyy
if you don't like you, why should anyone else OR why should you have the right to judge someone else's looks?

hmmm
think on it

but in other news...
i don't think i have other news

still like him though he still doesn't know
and i plan on keeping it that way

heartbreak hotel

i getting the key
locking it up
put it in a box
burn it
scatter the asshes across the sevens seas

and what may this key go to?
why, my heart of course
instead of thinkin of having a chance with him,
im gonna quit now
EVERYBODY WINS

Right Round -> Everybody Plays the Fool

it kinda came back to me
but not in a way in which i could be hurt
it just came back at me like i was the one who was wrong like i was the one who made the mistakes

umm
apparently i don't have a heart...
i don't know how to really feel about it except for being confused
i think instead of people actually realizing that they were wrong, they just tell me that I'm a bitch and don't care how people feel
because really no one has moved on, but just living in the moment that we should have forgotten by now
i think that is it : instead of saying "oh i was a dumb ass. i was emotionally blind" they are doing "oh it was just a mistake...it wont happen again...oh he is going through some hard times..."
NO
that is not what is happened
he moved on
he didn't learn
he didn't care
and i HATE talking/thinking about him
but honestly [I'm not done]
OK liiiiike he was exposed to his mistake and then blew the shit off
then ask for pity, GOT IT, then walked off
now i am the one who is heartless because i don't care
because i was the one who fell over and over and over again for the same routine
but now I'm mad because he still doesn't care about i feel
like after all of this he still doesn't truly know what i think
he thinks I'm mad at , which i am, but he doesn't even know why
and to me
that is like pretending i never even mattered

that's what friends are for

OMG
o m g
today i realized that i really want my best friend back
not that bitch jon we're done
but aaron james francisco concepcion soriano
that fool
we were tight ass bitches

and i now know [not that it matters] why

nothing mattered.
with all my other friends it's always relationships, drama, money, looks, grades
everything in the world that you have to escape to have fun
but when i was with him
it didn't matter
we were just fine everything was just for fun
and now i don't have that anymore

im not gonna lie
i miss him
i really do
but i can't his friend due to the fact that he is a bitch now
he thinks like other people now
he's not him anymore
and now
well that's it
forget the goos times
and move on

='[

i'll be in the skyy

-B.o.B

his newest song has really inspired me
to stop caring about life

cause we are all gonna die
who is going to care about some bullshit drama
or anything else

i dunno kinda emo when you think about it
but seriously

no more trippin
no more thoughts
or caring

because we are living to die, so why die to live?

ah ha

KARMA

and it goes around

all this time

after the lying

flaking

cheating

backstabbing

he is finally learning what he has been doing to others:

hurting people

that is all he has done to people who trusted him

but nooow

he has literally no one to turn to

i shouldn't be happy

but i am =D

and as of today, i honestly know i don't want him to be my friend of any kind

good bye Jonathan

it's been real...watse of time =/

money money money money m o n e y

so there's stuff i WANT to do
and shit i NEED to do
but i dont have to money to do it all

1. i WANT to see Avenue Q and i have beem wanting to see it for like 2 years
2. i NEED to go to the doctor for what could be a life or death situation
3. my mom WANTS me to get my metro phone back on but if i do that then i will NEED to buy a new phone
4. i HAVE to buy something. but i dont wanna

i think thats it
hmmm
what to do

another day [spellcheck NOT included]

so today was way to eventful to forget
but let's not

so regular day starts off with human sexuality for me
my sister offered me a ride to the station and with that ride, i got to school and hour early, bored as hell, so i go sit with this girl so I dont look like that loner eventually alex calls me and tells me he is going to be late
coolio
so we get in class and just sitting, waiting... then i realized it's 10:40. class starts at 10:30. people started leaving then people started to comeback. then our teacher said that class has been cancelled
dang.
so alex calls back and we are both mad so we decide to do bruch at the tower cafe since our next class didnt start till 1
but it was raining
we walk to the damn station [missed the first train] and then wait the 15 minutes so by the time we actually get on the train, we are soaking wet and cooooold
so we get off and are like 'ok you wanna catch the bus?' but we didnt know when the bus was coming so we just kept looking behind us
then we did our 'check' and saw the bus, we really wanted to catch it so then we ran across the street like crazy folks and we hear a dog barking then we finally get on the right side of the street and i turned around saw a fucking dog baring its teeth barking at me
i just kept saying 'OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD' and then alex throws in a HEY and the little fuck ran away
then we realize where we were and saw we were close to Tower Cafe and noticed that we could just walk to the damn place
so we get in and had to properly present ourselves ;] we order our stereotypical meals me the fish and chips alex with the enchilada LMAO
but yeah we were thinking about going to target to shop for nothing then we check that time and realized that we needed to get back to school so we paid and headed back to school
we get to ASL 1 and did the same ole
then class was over and we started walking to the station again...still raining...had to but alex a new umbrella because his actually broke then we [now with amber and megan] and it was so funny because we had instant rain karma
because amber stepped in a puddle and alex laughed, then alex stepped in a puddle and i laughed, then i stepped in a puddle but nothing really happened to megan lol
but then we go home and alex's mom picks up from 29th and alex's dog was in the back seat [keep in mind i still had dog fear] but SHE WAS SO CUTE!! haha
so we drop off alex's neice, pick up his aunt and eventually returned to my home

hella long ass day
but then i get home to josiah, carla, my mom, and trymica
wooo just gets kinda hetic after that hahaha

tired of being sorry

oh wow
just wow

hella angry right now, just nothing seems to be going right now

i am tired of people trying to keep secrets
i am the ultimate liar, so if you're lying you better be damn sure i already know homes
so stop trying to make everything better for yourself, because you're just hurting me

i am tired of being reminded
that i fucking fail at life
i know i know this
leave me alone

i am tired of being alone
that's way to complex to explain right now

it's whatev bitch
I'm out

just like a pill

have you ever had so many things wrong with you, you knew you needed to go to the doctor and like have them checked out
BUT
there is some one who has a bigger problem do they really cant complain?
that is what my friend is like right now
she's hella sick
like she thinks she's dying
she knows she's dying
but there's nothing she can do about
kinda sucks really

mr. telephone man

i have been without phone for only 3 days
i never realized how dependent i was on that thing
i feel like i need more to socialize than for emergencies
either way i want my damn phone back

ummm
i need to get some shit done
i find myself 'replaying' my happy memories
and it's worth it XP
[= dooooood
seriously
he's hella awesome

addicted.

dude
i had the best dream ever
i woke up in like total bliss
long story short it was with this super amazing guy
[that i obviously like]
and it was just awesome
he's awesome
yeeeee

um yeah
i could honestly go on forever
but i have shit to do
=]

i'm still cheesing XD

tell it like it is

i guess i never actually said why i was mad
truthfully, i do not remember
i guess i was so wrapped up in my emotions i forgot
but let's try and remember:

we went swing dancing and had fun
then school started
i tried to talk to him [phone, text, IM] but couldn't get in contact with him
i thought he was just super busy with work and couldn't talk, which was fine
then, i found out he wasn't busy with work or school, but someone else
which to me is still fine, i just wanna know
so i think i was jealous in a way
but in the same way i kept thinking "but we're friends..."

i know why i was so flipping paranoid
there's my ex-best friend [for life] that i lost..because HE was and still is a bitch
to lose someone you been through pretty much everything with over something so retarded is dumb as hell.
this is why i don't want to lose friends for stupid reasons
cause to get hella 'personal-like' with someone and then just see them walk out on you is kinda harsh
and it hurts
a lot

so i reacted in the only way i knew how: with anger
i don't know how to 'channel' my feelings
when I'm sad i yell at people for no reason so when I'm annoyed, irritated, or feel like i have been betrayed, i just shut everything and everyone out and hate everything

i wanna say we both fuzzed up but the more i think about it, the more it makes me sound like a bitch
so i dunno
guess that makes me the retarded bitch huh?

misery business

i thought we were going to have this epic breakdown between us to figure out why we aren't functioning...
no
we'll just act like nothing ever happened
that is exactly the same right?
NO
it's like we are ignoring the featured problem
pretending it never happened
then right when something else happens, this will make it bigger that what it already was

i guess the question now is would i rather it still be weird or just act like there's nothing to think over

i rather us figure it out
cause in the future, this is going to happen again, and again, and again

we are getting no wheres

hate is a strong word

Ha ha ha
He said 'you're with someone who hates me'.
That someone he was referring to was and still is me. If he knew me like he says he does, he would know I honestly do not hate anyone. As much as I could and I think I should, I don't.
The thing is we are suppose to try and fix our 'friendship' but what the hell am I suppose to do when he thinks I hate him? Tell him I don't and see where it goes from there? Or should I let he think that and maybe he will be willing to speak then. I do not know
The only reason I want this to be over is because I have other things to attend to in my life. That and he keeps bringing people into this dilemma. One friend told me 'I don't want to be dragged into your fight' I replied 'well I didn't drag you into it did I? I think you need to be talking to someone else'
But at the same time I don't want to bring people into it, it feels good to talk about it instead of having to keep a whole bunch of feelings inside and pretend that they aren't there.


the reason why I say friendship in quotations is because I don't think the relationship we posses is one that should friends share... sometimes it will be total bliss and then one of us will say or do something so small it will explode between us. and I kind of feel like we are always waiting for that moment, like we both know that we get on each others nerves but we are waiting for it to happen...I don't know it's kind of confusing really

I really do want to be his friend...I think
Deep deep deep deep deep down I think there might be a part of me that doesn't want to lose him, a part that wants to keep him. But when I look for reasons to, I draw a serious blank. Like super serious.

I need to know what it is that is so special it's worth keeping. Then I will know. My heart will know. My mind, body and soul will know.

But until then, we are getting and going nowhere. And I'm afraid we might be stuck like that forever

admit it

the first step to solving anything, is admiting there is a problem. am i right? i am
i am tired i am so TIRED of being hurt, given hope, and being let down. it so hurtful. i think i may have found someone who is true as a friends

as for that other person...guy...JONATHAN
im sorry
but i honestly think i never want to have anything to do with you again
i dont want to say our friendship is over cuz it never really began
you are so complicated
i am just as complicated
and we...we just don't click-not that we can't-we just don't
so yeah
shut the fuck up notice what's going on and then talk to me
thats all you have to do
we could beat this

but you have to try

i know who i want my new best friend to be

yes he's gay

well now i know two people who i want to be besties with
they are like such awesome people
like SUPER awesome. one is like my old best friend and the other is so full of wisedom

i heart those boys

AND I HATE IT WHEN SOMEONE RUFUSES TO ACCPEPT THEIR OWN SEXUALITY
THAT IS SO ANNOYING
IT'S LIKE: WE KNOW YOU'RE GAY
YOU'RE NOT FOOLING ANYONE
omg.

it was great

i was like happy for a change. everything was good and everything seemed to be in place.

BUT THEN I WAS WRONG

now i'm sad again, lonely, depressed, and like it's just so bothersome.

pretty eyes

people with pretty eyes are so lucky.

today while in sign language, i had to sign to this guy and we are not allowed to talk, only sign. so with that said we are suppose to make serious eye contact. well i had to partner up with this guy...and his eyes look like the sunsetting over the horizon of heaven so he's signing to me and of course i super daze out and freeze up. i'm sure i was only frozen for about 7 seconds but that seemed like an eternity i was willing to spend.

8]

i have actually been quite happy lately. um everything seems lighter now. like i dunno, it just seems right, like i dunno. not caring works. i'm soo much better. it's amazingly awesome

i decided

to take my friends advice and not trip.

i'm not going to get hella anygry at people who do me wrong. i'm pretty sure i'm taking his advice wrong, cuz i'm just going to keep fuckin with people's emotions until they feel as bad as i did. but you know what? that's life.

so from now on, i'm right no matter what. and things go MY way. and if not, well then i can find find other bitches

i can't

get in contact with my 'bestfriend'. fuck the best part i can't even talk to my friend

what the fuck is that shit

and i'm suppose to be ok with that bullshit? hell no. fuck no. mother fuckers

oh yeah it waaaay more than one

omg wtf

adjakldjao;ijadijdflsfsa;uhsio;fjw l; <- angry typing

assholes

my mother

seems to not trust me at all. i know i have given her reason in the past to not trust me, but seriously. i can't do anything without accusation of being on drugs or under the influence. what the hell, i'm not retarded. i don't want her on my ass every 5 seconds. the chick needs to chill. i'm not going to put my self in danger.

i'm not my sisters.

in a daze.

i like my best friend.

those are words no one should ever speak. but why is it that you know your best friend is always the perfect one for you? i dunno all i know is that i'm jealous as well as scared. you dont want to lose someone that you know you cant have. you want to have to them forever. but forever gets shorter everyday

past loves

wow you know how you decide not to speak to someone after you end a relationship with them? and then by some cruel twist of fate, you see how well they are doing. i hate that. i super hate that. i want to re-introduce myself with someone, but knowing that they don't want anything to do with me. sometimes it hurts, esspecially when you know it's your fault. but i need to know it's for the better

sometimes i wish we could know what other people are thinking. then that way i would wonder so much. i would have my answers. but i don't. i get to keep guessing.

just me

my name is Kristina. I just turned 18. I regret too much for my age and fear even more. i don't like the life i'm living but i don't know how to change it. i love my friends as if they are my family, so when they do something to hurt me, i suffer. i don't know what else to say right now. see you in the future