a boy worth fighting for

this is just going to be a completely selfish entry.

this is the entry where i describe the perfect guy for me

and honestly it's going to be pretty ridiculous =]

i came across an 'like page' on FB that was somthing like, 45 things a girls wants her bf to do but will never say, i really liked it so i thought i comment on e.v.e.r.y.s.i.n.g.l.e.o.n.e.

or just the ones i like

1 . Touch her waist.

i can't handle this sensation anymore =[
2. Actually talk to her.

wow like yea, i like people talking it's good shit
4. Give her your jacket.

be cordial bitch, that is so sweet!
5. Kiss her slowly.

...and never stop haha
6. Hug her.

=]
7. Hold her.

=]]
11. Smile with her.

like Michael Ealy and Beyonce in Halo!!!
12. Take pictures with her.

but they need to smile with NICE teeth
13. Pull her onto your lap.

uh no, i'm not two
14. When she says she loves you more, deny it. Fight back.

wtf no
16. Play with her hair .only if she hasnt spent 382745623 hours on it .

don't [ever] touch my hair.
17. Kiss her unexpectedly.

cute shit
18. Hug her from behind around the waist.

oooh uh uh i would freak the freak out
19. Tell her shes beautiful.

i have a secret. i think that if i don't remind myself that i look beautiful, then no one will. so it would be nice to hear someone else say it and MEAN it
20. Tell her the way you feel about her.
don't lie to me
21. Open doors for her, walk her to her car- it makes her feel protected, plus it never hurts to act like a gentleman.

#true
22. Tell her shes your everything – only if you mean it.

who would lie about something so serious. but if someone told me i was their EVERYTHING, i'd be like whoa calm down there
23. If it seems like there is something wrong, ask her- if she denies something being wrong, it means SHE DOESNT WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT- so just hug her

uh no bitch better ask me what's up
24. Make her feel loved.

seriously.
25-kiss her in front of OTHER girls you know!!!!
girls love making other bitches j.e.a.l.o.u.s.
26-dont lie to HER.

EVER
27-DONT cheat on her.

only if you want to get cut
29-txt messege or call her in the morning and tell her have a good day at work {or school}, and how much you MISS her.

that can get kinda stalkerish real fast
30-be there for her when ever she needs you, & even when she doesnt need you, just be there so shell know that she can ALWAYS count on you.

make sure i remember i'm not alone
36. When people DISS her, stand up for her.

shit's hott
37. Look deep into her EYES and tell her you love her.

i have a thing with the word love. don't think i'm ready to use it
39. When walking next to each other grab her HAND.

not in the summer, hands get sweaty FAST
40. When you hug her HOLD her in your arms as long as possible

not too long, don't wanna be smothered
41. Call or text her at night to wish her SWEET DREAMS

gets generic fast

42. COMFORT her when she cries and wipe away her tears.

yeaaaaa idk about this one

44. ALWAYS Remind her how much you love her.

45. sit on top of her and tell her how much u love her and then bend down to
her face and kiss her while sitting on her.

wtf get off of me

so yea the entire list is here: http://msdeevha.tumblr.com/post/3827242585/wow-wouldnt-this-guy-be-perfect

the ones i left out were just weird and/or i didn't like them

truthishly, i just want a guy that will dedicate Michael Jackson songs to me and sing Disney love song to/with me.

never let me put myself down

and keep a smile on my face forever

and in this world of SHITTY ASS MEN, a fantasy like that is something i never want to compromise for

something i am willing to wait for

a boy worth fighting for =)

will it ever happen? i dunno...but i don't plan on changing me, just so someone else is happy.

hippos gettin it on

Gloria: i have so many questions
MotoMoto: well i promise the answer will always be 'yes' unless 'no' is required ;)

Samara and I

krisekris: i just need you to acknowledge i am here

themadisonprjct: why?

krisekris: to feel alive

themadisonprjct: well, i know ur alive

Samara from The Ring. Yes the creepy bitch. We have something in common. We both want to been seen. Want to be heard. The desires to be notice. She killed people thru television which is so wrong. I don’t murder people, I kill myself.

A bad habit of mine is to seek attention in who ever. As long as someone is saying something positive about me, I will stick with them no matter what.

I have a myyearbook because they are a bunch of strangers who on a daily basis call me beautiful. I don’t take it too seriously because I know they also want me to send pictures of my exposed body. I don’t, I just drain them of compliments until someone else comes along.
this is a mild form of my addiction. Yes addiction because I honestly can’t stop. To have the feeling of being wanted is so gratifying that I don’t wanna stop it any time soon. Those boys, make me smile sometimes.

But then there’s the guys I actually know: ml mi mw ab and more they were so mean. Literally using my body for temporary entertainment, saying nice things that I took seriously, then hurting me when they were done. I was there "go to ho".
But I stayed because they listened to me. they would respond to me. they made me feel wanted. They wanted me…just not the way I wanted them too. And its awful, I’ve made it a habit to associate myself with people who don’t like me, but express their dick devotions to get me to do want they want. And I willingly go, because they make me feel kinda special.

But that’s gotta stop. Like now. It’s over. If someone can’t respect me, then they don’t deserve me at all. I wanna say that I’m officially done, but I know I’ll slip in the future, it’s kinda my thang. But I’m super gonna try! Promise.

not cool booboo

'i like you, but only if you put out.'

whaaaaaaaaaa

i wanna say that EVERY single guy that has showed some interest in me had only done so just so that they can sleep with me. maybe a couple were real but idk

is it something I'm doing? like the way I dress? my words? how I talk? are there rumors running behind my back? what is it what is signaling dudes to thinking that i'm SUPER OK with a one night stand

because i'm not. excuse me for developing genuine feelings for someone over time. actually wanting to spend time with them, wanting to talking on the phone with them, wanting to walk around the park for no fucking reason with them. sorry for having such 'high expectations'

and honestly it's starting to make me feel like crap, like a whore. maybe at first it was somewhat flattering. appearing sexual is kinda like a compliment but after a while it's insulting really. like I have no self respect for myself that i'm just willing to let you have fun with my body just so that your satisfied? really? so mean

the whole myyearbook scene, that's different that expected. those are ppl in states I will never be able to go to. but with real people i've met in my life that seem normal in the day then turn sex beast at night, that makes me mad. b/c to everyone else your still normal you, but nowIiIiIiI know this secret about you that no one would ever believe because 'you're just too fucking nice' well grr on that. not only is my impression of changed forever, so is our relationship. I will NEVER look at you the same way. damaged.

so yeah now that i've learned you can't trust anybody anywhere, where am I suppose to go to find someone who's willing to accept me as I am not not try to alter that in any way?

I want to believe that sex shouldn't just be thrown around like we do today. when you have relations with someone, you are giving a part of yourself to them. a personal, sacred part. people shouldn't lose count of their sexual partners, no one should be whoring themselves out just for fun.

however, I still think that when I hand in my v-card my views will be forever changed. which is a big reason why I don't even want sex. I know me and I know that when I find something that I like, I become addicted to it. I don't wanna star in True Life: I'm Addicted to Sex II.

I remember in my previous workshop they asked have your dating expectations changed since you were 13 y/o and I was like YES THE FUCK THEY HAVE. I still want my ideal relationship, but the current day and age we live in, i'm starting to see that that might NEVER happen. like I said, you gotta put the pussy first if you want a man to come. wtf man. not even fair...why don't I get a chance to be happy with my decisions?

not saying I wouldn't do favors, I like to have some fun, but when I think of those who don't even do that shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit they have it worst than me.

in the end I never even had the option of relinquishing myself to anyone, they tok it away. robbed of innocent so that they could have a good time [geez sound familiar?] so once again i'm scared to have that experience ever again. in the back of my mind I know that I will suffer from PTSD flashbacks and not even enjoy it.

And that is what pisses me off the fucking most about people who just wanna fuck me and have it mean absolutely nothing more:

they have NO FUCKING IDEA what I have been thru, so every time you say some shit like "i wanna fuck that pussy" that incites a fear that I try to conceal everyday but to you, you just need to bust a load so you can get on with your day. yeah i'm real fucking mad. I am angry because to my peers, i'm not someone who has a heart or desires, i'm a fucking trophy. something to hit and quit, toot it and boot it, whatevs. in the mental/emotional condition that I am in, I cannot do that. compromise is essential in relationships, but i'm not backing down on this at all for anyone.

It looks like my options are either be alone or be a ho.

i don't even know

s.j.h.s.

wow

he came to my house yesterday

and it was awkward, like a lot of memories came back

at first it was hilarious because that was always something that i wanted, him to be at my doorstep, and then it happened.

it was funny because i was so into him and then i finally got over him . i guess it made me realize that i can get over anyone but not everything.

but then i had a dream

we were on our way to somewhere and we were in his truck

and we weren't talking so i asked if he wanted to say anything. then he asked if i had anything to say and i was like 'not really do you?' and he said 'i have a million things to say' and i asked him 'like what'

and he asked 'why did you say goodbye?'

and that was it. a memories i had forgotten. apparently i was so madly in like with this boy, i just had to give him a note saying i couldn't talk to him anymore....wtf what that bullshit

but it was SO WEIRD because i completely forgot about that, but seeing him brought back a lot of memories. i remembered his middle name! omg but yeah just weird really

and now i'm like 'what did seeing me do for him?'

but i shouldn't care cuz it was just a random event

butireallywannaknow

who's to blame

there are no victims, only volunteers

fuck that bullshit, there's PLENTY of victims

i am one.

i have been a victim of other people's actions and my own mind for two months now.

and i don't even know who's fault it is anymore.

there's no root i can find to solve this problem, but i can find a million ways to make it worse.

so what am i doing anymore? like, do i even have a plan? do i believe it could work out in the end?

do i even remember what it feels like to not be

in pain

worried

stressed

mad

angry

sad

depressed

bitter

bitchy

listless

dead

?

what's next?

anniversary

of the end

of lost control

of anxiety

of terror

of pain

of guilt

of being fucked up forever

happy anniversary.

can't

what do you do when you can't do anything else

when shit just WON'T get better

when everything you've tried fails

when everyone you know let's you down

what the fuck do you do?

i don't know.

i thought i had found my way back to my life, but really, it was just a good time

but now that i finally realize that this darkness is my life

i just can't fucking do this anymore.

i can't and i've tried so, so hard

and all i want to do is live

but all i ever feel like doing is dying

i'm done, can't do this shit anymore!!!!!