not cool booboo

'i like you, but only if you put out.'

whaaaaaaaaaa

i wanna say that EVERY single guy that has showed some interest in me had only done so just so that they can sleep with me. maybe a couple were real but idk

is it something I'm doing? like the way I dress? my words? how I talk? are there rumors running behind my back? what is it what is signaling dudes to thinking that i'm SUPER OK with a one night stand

because i'm not. excuse me for developing genuine feelings for someone over time. actually wanting to spend time with them, wanting to talking on the phone with them, wanting to walk around the park for no fucking reason with them. sorry for having such 'high expectations'

and honestly it's starting to make me feel like crap, like a whore. maybe at first it was somewhat flattering. appearing sexual is kinda like a compliment but after a while it's insulting really. like I have no self respect for myself that i'm just willing to let you have fun with my body just so that your satisfied? really? so mean

the whole myyearbook scene, that's different that expected. those are ppl in states I will never be able to go to. but with real people i've met in my life that seem normal in the day then turn sex beast at night, that makes me mad. b/c to everyone else your still normal you, but nowIiIiIiI know this secret about you that no one would ever believe because 'you're just too fucking nice' well grr on that. not only is my impression of changed forever, so is our relationship. I will NEVER look at you the same way. damaged.

so yeah now that i've learned you can't trust anybody anywhere, where am I suppose to go to find someone who's willing to accept me as I am not not try to alter that in any way?

I want to believe that sex shouldn't just be thrown around like we do today. when you have relations with someone, you are giving a part of yourself to them. a personal, sacred part. people shouldn't lose count of their sexual partners, no one should be whoring themselves out just for fun.

however, I still think that when I hand in my v-card my views will be forever changed. which is a big reason why I don't even want sex. I know me and I know that when I find something that I like, I become addicted to it. I don't wanna star in True Life: I'm Addicted to Sex II.

I remember in my previous workshop they asked have your dating expectations changed since you were 13 y/o and I was like YES THE FUCK THEY HAVE. I still want my ideal relationship, but the current day and age we live in, i'm starting to see that that might NEVER happen. like I said, you gotta put the pussy first if you want a man to come. wtf man. not even fair...why don't I get a chance to be happy with my decisions?

not saying I wouldn't do favors, I like to have some fun, but when I think of those who don't even do that shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit they have it worst than me.

in the end I never even had the option of relinquishing myself to anyone, they tok it away. robbed of innocent so that they could have a good time [geez sound familiar?] so once again i'm scared to have that experience ever again. in the back of my mind I know that I will suffer from PTSD flashbacks and not even enjoy it.

And that is what pisses me off the fucking most about people who just wanna fuck me and have it mean absolutely nothing more:

they have NO FUCKING IDEA what I have been thru, so every time you say some shit like "i wanna fuck that pussy" that incites a fear that I try to conceal everyday but to you, you just need to bust a load so you can get on with your day. yeah i'm real fucking mad. I am angry because to my peers, i'm not someone who has a heart or desires, i'm a fucking trophy. something to hit and quit, toot it and boot it, whatevs. in the mental/emotional condition that I am in, I cannot do that. compromise is essential in relationships, but i'm not backing down on this at all for anyone.

It looks like my options are either be alone or be a ho.