Never Going Back Again

Well moving on actually is just as hard as every song on says it is. But I think for my special situation, it’s only worse. I [think I] know that one of the reasons I wanted to kick it with M.I.A. student is because I bared a very sensitive topic to him. So maybe I feel like that “bonded” us together. I know that it sucks not being able to do things you wanna do because you’re terrified. So the fact that he does know was kinda a burden that I didn’t have to be conflicted with anymore. HOWEVER he didn’t quite understand the severity of the problem. Like most people, including my former self, he knew it was bad, but not how bad.

But I’m not here for make excuses for the kidd. I think I’m here to convince myself once again why the current path I’m on to never speak to him again is the right path for me. I have to do this because I constantly keep finding myself wanting to go back to him. Three reasons, one: I’m already broken and hurt, what more damage could possibly happen? Two: what if he’s my only chance, throughout the year I’ve been in contact I guess I could say with a few dudes, and by comparison…wait no. They were all pretty crappy. But this kidd was the only kidd to actually say that he liked me, that’s what’s keeping him in a “better league” I suppose. But I still don’t know if he even meant it. So that’s definitely a reason too. Three: he never made me do anything I didn’t absolutely want to do. Obviously he tricked me into going back to him, but never any actions I was uncomfortable with, which from my historical background, is still very admirable.

So I discussed this with one of my fellow broken hearted colleague and he agrees that they best thing to do is avoid him forever more. What really stood out to me was his choice of words. He preached to me that “if he keeps doing you dirty that means he'll just keep doing it. Those kinds of people will not change”. That’s very fucking true and I’m well aware of that. WHICH IS WHY I’M SO FRUSTRATED I know no good could possibly come of this yet I still want him hella badly. M.I.A. student’s not gonna change no matter how bad I want him to, it ain’t gonna happen.

It’s when I read my past thoughts and feelings about this, I remember the anger and pain that went into those words. I remember how fucking pissed I was and how bitter it made me. If I just give up everything I worked for, it would not be fair to my former self. If someone where to tell me that in a few months, I would be crawling back, I’d be like fuck that shit there’s no way in hell. Besides, what would happen if I did go back and he wouldn’t want anything to do with me anymore? THAT WOULD SO KILL ME. I think I run shit but really I was just the doll in his puppet show, he called the shots, I simply obeyed.

Although I do recall saying “I’m not sure I’m not gonna miss him” which you know, is exactly where I’m at now. I have a few reasons that kinda make sense but I’m still not quite sure why the guy that I ‘like’ most is a conniving, manipulative, devious, lying, two-faced sack of shit. I really don’t want to defend his side but there was some good in him even if it was very, very fucking little. I miss that and that is what I want now. I don’t have many friends that can help me through my situation anymore so I have really bad days. I know I shouldn’t depend on people to provide my own happiness, but I can’t lie it be so awesome to have someone be the reason I smile-but not entirely.

So just gonna have to deal with this suffering even more. Like I said “I'm gonna get over this. Somehow.” Funny, it’s been months, and I’m still not quite sure how to do that precisely. But I can’t go back, there’s nothing in the past that can help me right now [well except everything I learned from my awesome counselor]. I’ve heard that happiness/love comes when you least expect it. I’m not really asking for all of that, I just want piece of mind. That should be given to me, I deserve to be sane at least.