updates

i still do not like certain people. but now it's just funny because it's definitely not my fault. i'm awesome and if karma doesn't get them, best believe i will ;]

i saw the scariest person alive, and i lived. it was a horrible experience at an unfortunate time. but i'm still alive

i saw the 2nd scariest person alive, and ugh fuck me right? can't one day be decent?

my method of dealing with problems most of the time is just to ignore them until they dissipate on there own. but lately i see that that isn't working. mainly because most of the time i spend is inside of my own mind and i can't handle it. all these thoughts

• what if
• shoulda/coulda
• why didn't i
• maybe if

really i'm sick of it. and that boy, just one f u c k i n g boy who drives me insane has been on my mind forever.

my well-being has literally been in danger but all i have ever worried about is him.

so i confronted him. basically everything i wanted to say, i said it. he gave a shit load of excuses and i still couldn't believe him.

which should have been my first sign

then he crept his little punk ass self BACK into my life [not saying anything was necessarily better but it's a tad worst with him] and long story short i believed him.

i am a liar. proud-sort of, but the point is i can tell when people are lying to me. he looked me dead in the eyes and "promised" that he wasn't the same guy as before. and i wanted to believe that. the kidd was almost genuine, almost real, almost believable. but never 100% on anything

but i think the fact that i was willing to try says A LOT

so i did. i did the dumbest thing i have done recently, reopened myself up to the person that hurt me so bad and that i despised most. and ya know what? he did it again.

vanished like a star at dawn.

and i was hurt. mainly because how could someone that you practically bare your soul to constantly put you thru torture and then sit back and watch his work destroy someone?

i didn't understand then, and i still don't. but even though i went thru all of that i wasn't even being true to myself, i just wanted the one thing on my mind to go away and if that meant actually being let go for a "real reason" and then being hurt, i coulda done that. instead of being lead on, lied to, and abused.

the entire time i remember thinking 'this happiest is only temporary, he's not gonna stick around. i don't even want to be here. he doesn't even feel anything with me. he's just using me'

like i said, dumbfuckingshit.

my thing was if he would just be HONEST maybe we wouldn't waste each other's time.

but that's done, am i over it? not quite but i have learned somethings from it

• it's going to be HARD for me to ever trust anyone again
• i was HELLUH out of that bitch's league and he was not on my level: the top
• there's no guarantee that there's a special someone out there for me, but i will never settle for just any ol douchebag
• i. am. so. fuck. ing. pretty. IT'S REDONKULOUS
• that kidd is a fucking douchebag, and he might wanna watch his back. #justsaying
  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
• i'm def. not happy with how i had to learn my lesson and not sure if i needed to learn it because i def. did not deserve to go thru that shit.
• i'm not sure if i'm not gonna miss him.

all i can say is i'm still mad, and i'm still hurt. but i'm gonna get over this. somehow.